What do men talk about?

It has been known amongst my friends for the men to be asked (after a night out with the lads) "what do you talk about?". To which the response is generally along the lines of "well, you know - stuff. Nothing important.". This seems to be unsatisfactory, and the question is put that how come we can't remember what we were talking about.

The answer is simple. It's because we were talking about all sorts of different nonsense, which doesn't really make sense to listen to unless you were there at the time. To prove this, last night I was at the 30th Newcastle Beer Festival and I wrote down the topics of conversation that came up during the course of the evening. These were as follows:

• Dr. Who
• Fertility
  • Hormones, the male pill, the new female pill
  • Eggs
  • Age-related fertility
  • "The Snip"
• Vampires
• Book plots
  • Coming up with our own
  • Analysing others
• Spirits, ghosts and mediums
• Football
  • Glenn Roeder turning around Newcastle
  • Preferences for new manager
  • Analysis of the Tottenham game
  • Charles N'Zogbia and Nobby Solano
  • The previous manager
• The Alien series of films
• Beers - only natural at the Beer Festival, really
• Global Video on Low Fell and the silly names for porn films it stocks such as "Lord Of The G-Strings" as if someone's going to get that as the next best thing if Lord Of The Rings doesn't happen to be in stock.
• Getting older
  • Younger policemen
  • People younger than yourself with ten year old kids
  • What to do if you start going bald
  • Why people wear wigs that are so, so obviously wigs
  • How it would feel if you were working with someone who was born after you first voted
• Topics of conversation
• Television and the BBC
• Farting in bed
• Personal Hygiene
  • Showering/Bathing Frequency
  • Sweatiness
  • Changes of clothing
• What it would be like to live forever but no-one else did
  • If you were always as you were now
  • And if you could travel backwards in time

Obviously, some of these topics were covered more than once, as I only listed the topics we talked about, not the amount of time we spent talking about each. There may have also been more topics of conversation than a standard night out because we were out for about six hours, but that's pretty much the normal sort of thing. So if you've ever wondered what men talk about in pubs, there you have it.