Living with thanatophobia
Okay, it’s time to come clean. I’m mentally ill. Well, I’m thanatophobic, anyway. I’ll let you make up your own mind as to how unhinged that actually is. So what is it, then?
A true medical diagnosis, this fear is characterized by an abnormal or irrational fear of death. This fear is often debilitating.Wikipedia
I’ll just point out the obvious — having a fear of death is not irrational: I think it’s a perfectly sound and logical thing to have a fear of. After all, it’s not something anyone tries to encourage, is it? Having said that, I think it’s fair to say that I do suffer from an abnormal fear of death, and while it’s not exactly debilitating, it can be pretty darn unpleasant at times. It probably does affect my quality of life to some extent, and therefore it’s fair to say that I’m thanatophobic.
Now most people are scared of death. It’s a bad thing. You tootle along, minding your own business, and then suddenly BANG! you’re not there any more. No you. I find this thought truly terrifying. Most people would probably nod their heads, agree and then promptly forget about it and just get on with life. Not me. Unfortunately my brain, being the awkward bastard that it is, seems to be hardwired to permanently return to the subject and at least every other night I spend some time lying in bed being frightened of not being alive.
It’s going to happen at some point. At some point in the future, I’ll be dead, and there’s pretty much nothing I can do about it. I could lose weight, drink less etc and possibly prolong that period of time, but I can’t extend it indefintely. At some point in time, I will die, and the thought of not being there to have thoughts any more absolutely terrifies me.
Thanatophobia on the Web
Fortunately, I found a website which claimed to be able to releive the symptoms of it. Unfortunately, it appeared to be complete hokum, telling me that:
Thanatophobia is an intense fear of something that poses little or no actual danger
Little or no danger? So death isn’t serious, then? But then again, Red Dwarf already established this, didn’t they, in the episode Future Echoes when the hologram of the ship’s dead crew member Arnold Rimmer was talking to the only surviving crew member, David Lister.
- Lister
- They might be able to cure you. They’ve probably made great advances and that while we’ve been away.
- Rimmer
- Oh, yes, I expect they cured death the instant we left Earth. I expect doctors’ surgeries are packed with the dead. “Hello, Mrs Johnson, take one of these three times a day, you’ll soon be living again. Carol, next corpse please.”
In fact, if you google thanatophobia, you’ll find a medical definition, a short, Wikipedian definition, a couple of phobia treatment centres and a few more assorted definitions. Maybe in a few weeks you’ll also find my site. It seems to me that it’s something that’s uncommon, or at least not particularly talked about. People who are scared of spiders, dogs, snakes, sure everyone’s heard of them. Good old sensible phobias. But being scared of death isn’t something anyone talks about. Is this because no-one else out there is at all scared of death, or because you’re able to not think about it? God, I wish I was.
Curing Thanatophobia
Of course, I’m presuming that I’m being perfectly rational in this morbid fear of death, which I’ve had for about five years or so (as an aside, this is when me and my wife got together. One way — and rather a nice one — of looking at it would be to suggest that she means so much to me that the idea I won’t always be able to talk to her is what sparked the whole thing off) . It surprises me that more people aren’t scared about death, to be honest. Not that there’s anything anyone can do, exactly. I mean, it may be that people aren’t normally scared because there’s some hormone or something which dampens down, or shuts off this fear in other people, and I may be missing it, or have it less or something. If so, it’s possible that I could be treated. But I don’t want to be treated in that way: that would just mask the problem.
I mean, really, when you get down to it, there’s three or four ways that you can get rid of thanataphobia. You could:
- Become convinced in an afterlife
- Somehow convince yourself to stop worrying about it
- Drug/Electroshock treatment if appropriate
- Die
Obviously for a thanatophobic — but at least a thanatophobic with a sense of humour — that last one isn’t really one of the options you’d want to consider. Personally I like the first option the best.
Religion and Thanatophobia
I suspect that may be part of the problem though: I’m a scientist, and a sceptic by nature. Equally I’ve always been fascinated by religion, spiritual things and what may be termed Forteana. I’d described myself as broadly Christian in outlook — which I’d take pretty much to mean be nice to people, try and help people and be forgiving; the “broadly” part comes in when you take into play the whole swathe of doubts which relate to the existence or otherwise of God, of an afterlife and so on.
Is there an afterlife, or is our existence utterly, utterly meaningless? No, bear with me for a moment and follow my argument. We’re assuming that there isn’t an afterlife: in which case we’re all going to die. All our children, and our children’s children will die. Any works we do — inventions, books, ways of thinking — will die mostly with us, or shortly after our lifespan, or within a few hundred years, or at least when the sun goes supernova and destroys the Earth. And if mankind has left the Earth by then, then by whenever entropy winds everything in the universe down to a halt and all the stars go out. And that’s looking on the bright side. On the negative side, all the environmental damage we’re doing to the planet will be irreversible and the Earth will become uninhabitable in our lifetime or in our children’s lifetimes.
No, I’m not a depressive, since you ask. I’m just giving you the one side of the argument: that in the grand scale of things, nothing you do matters. I’m interested in this sort of thing, and will no doubt watch The Secret Life Of The Manic Depressive with Stephen Fry, Carrie Fisher etc, when it’s on soon. Not that I would describe myself as a depressive at all, although some people would possibly describe me as a manic. In answer to “what do you mean, you’re not depressive?” I’ll point out that it’s only my thanatophobia that bothers me. Other than that, I’m a happy chappie. Although interestingly one of the things Stephen Fry says about depression is that “you think about death all the time”. Does this mean I’m depressed without being aware of it? But it’s not that I think about it all the time — obviously more tonight ‘cos I’m writing about it, but you’ve probably got an average of no more than 40 minutes per day. The rest of the time, I’m fine. Unless my manic depression cycle is a daily one …
[Edit: Also just noticed that bloggers Molly and John have both recently posted about depression. Maybe there's something in the air tonight? As long as it's not Phil Collins…]
Although I’ll stick with the phobia, though, because I don’t tend to get depressed about other things: it’s so focussed on that one specific thing. In fact, I suspect that most people who know me — and know me extremely well, don’t realise I’m thanatophobic. Well, I mean, it doesn’t crop up in conversation, does it? Someone talks about spiders; someone else can say “I’m frightened of spiders”, but if the subject of death crops up and you say you don’t like the idea of it, you’re either stating the bleeding obvious or you’re being flippant.
So, anyway, that’s the “What’s the point?” argument neatly summarised. For obvious reasons then, I’d like to believe in an afterlife. However, because I know the big emotional stake I’ve got in it, I’m going to take a fair degree of convincing. I’m not someone who can believe just because Pascal’s Wager suggests I should — if believing was as simple a matter as wanting to, there wouldn’t be a problem. Besides which, if there is an omnipotent being, I can’t imagine that they’d be best impressed if you believed in them just because you thought it was in your own best interests.
To recap then: I’m a scientist by nature who is fascinated by forteana, and has an interest in religion and religious history (by which I mean how religions have grown, trying to understand the historical settings to religious events etc). I’d also like to believe in an afterlife, because I’m terrified of death, but because I know that there is a risk of deluding myself into believing, I’m probably even more sceptical than I normally would be.
The Odd Stuff
First of all, I’ll accept that anecdotes prove nothing, particularly because of the risk of self-delusion. However, I’m going to tell you my anecdotes which makes me think that there might be something beyond our understanding — although whether that means there’s an afterlife or not is a different matter. I’ll tell you about my dreams, thoughts and experiences and what they have meant to me. I appreciate that none of these things are evidence, but you also need to understand that I have not taken any of these things as evidence, either.
Firstly, a ghost story. I was working in a pub cellar (that specific pub cellar, and no, I’d not heard the stories at the time) when I saw a dark shape/shadow move out of the corner of my eye and felt it cross behind me and go up the stairs. When I turned (after finishing getting the ice), there was no-one there. So I went back up out of the cellar to be greeted by a surprised barman who could have sworn that just five seconds earlier, out of the corner of his eye, he’d seen me exit the cellar and go through to the kitchen. And yes we were the only two on that night. Note that the preceeding link leads to a site about Ghosts in Lancaster. I’m not saying the pub is haunted; I’m just saying that was quite a freaky experience, and the picture of the cellar they have is almost exactly as I remember it.
Secondly, an odd daytime experience. I was on honeymoon in Corfu, we were on a day-trip (I think off Corfu) and we were visiting various historical sites. We were standing at a site known as the Oracle of The Dead, and the guide was saying that this was where people would come to ask questions of the dead. I had idly wondered to myself where exactly they stood, had a feeling about it and said to my wife that I was sure he was wrong, it was underground and at 90 degrees to where he was suggesting. Two minutes later he took us round a corner that we couldn’t have seen round and led us down a flight of steps into the underground chamber where sure enough we were pointing in the direction I’d thought. Again, a bit freaky. Had the Dead answered my unspoken question? Or was it just coincidence?
Then, one time shortly after the honeymoon I was lying in bed trying to sleep and prayed to have my mind put at ease and stop morbidly thinking about death. That night I had a dream that I was back with my wife on honeymoon, and that the world was hovering on the edge of nuclear war. Then the buttons were pushed, the missiles started flying and we all knew we were going to die. At this point however, a vision of the Virgin Mary and Christ Child appeared in the air, which everyone saw and pretty much demonstrated the existence of God. However, I still got off the bus — by myself — and ran like buggery to try and get away from the missiles. I dived into a river as I saw one approaching — and then “awoke” in something like an airport lounge with various other people discussing what “missions” we’d have in our next lives. When I actually woke up, I was left with the knowledge that even if I knew there was an afterlife — as I did in the dream — I’d still be terrified of death, and so to some extent my prayer was answered — although not in the way I’d hoped.
Of course, we’re talking dreams, subconscious thoughts, and all that sort of thing to consider in each of these cases. That’s why they don’t demonstrate to me that there is something else. Although then that leaves me wondering regardless of what proof I was given, whether I would have rationalised it away within two years?
I certainly rationalise away odd events on a daily basis — doors opening by themselves; boots “jumping” down the stairs at a friend’s house; small objects disappearing and only reappearing when I ask seemingly empty rooms “can you put them back where I can find them?”. All entirely explainable. But then part of me wonders if I’m just wired in such a way that I’ll explain these things away.
What Next?
Where do we go from here? Well, firstly, remember, I’m not depressive and I’m not suicidal. So no great diatribes as to why I should look on the bright side please. I do, mostly. I guess I want to leave you with one thought, and two questions/invitations.
The thought was — I thought — a quote, but as I can’t locate it, I’ll have to leave it unattributed:
- Q:
- How do you want to be remembered?
- A:
- I don’t. I want to still be here.
Next, the thanatophobic bit: am I the only thanatophobic who is prepared to talk about it? Does anyone else suffer from it? Does anyone else feel similarly at all? Is this article similar in any way to your experiences, or that of anyone you know? How does it make you feel?
Finally, the forteana/explaining stuff away bit. Have you ever had odd stuff happen to you that you can’t really explain but you’ve pretty much shrugged off thinking that their must have been a rational explanation, even if you can’t think of it? Do you ever find missing things reappear only when you ask for them back?
What a post, wshew. I kept reading because I have two people in my family who absolutely have this syndrome without necessarily having depression. I never knew there was a specific name for it.
My mother, and one of my brothers have this exactly. My mother’s case is severe and I suspect lifelong, but she is not depressive. One of my brothers suffers greatly from it too, and has suffered some mild but not major depression in his life. I had a very short bout of this when I went through puberty, lasting less than a year but I remember it was misery. I’ve never had it since.
The “thinking about death” in depressive illness is different, I think. It’s more that the loss of joy in life makes it difficult to have any hope, which makes one feel like living is just not worth it. It’s not a constant rumination and concern and brain chatter about death and dying. I wonder if thanatophobia is a form of OCD?
@Molly: well, that’s reassuring. I don’t have to worry about being a depressive then, it’s just the death thing :-;
Plus the fact that it’s not just me being a total nutjob is nice to know, too. It’s a good word for it, though, isn’t it? I’m guessing — well, I say it’s a guess but I’d be pretty darn surprised if it’s wrong — it’s from Thanatos, the Greek personification of death.
Reading this felt like all my thoughts poured into one page. As far as I knew I thought I was the only person with this problem. And just like you, I am not someone I’d call depressed, quite the opposite…I’m always smiling and cheerful. I think maybe that is the problem too, I love the life too much, I can’t imagine not to have it.
You mentioned these thoughts of death occur about 40 minutes a day for you. For me, maybe only 40 minutes a day I am not thinking about death. I feel really tired, I just want to live and not think about it. Also, when you mentioned ultimate termination of the universe, I feel like I wouldn’t want to be alive then. I don’t want to see the end of the world, but at the same time I would like to have my apperception, my ability to think — the most precious tool in the world. I used to even have panic attacks while going through this dreadful routine of thoughts, now I try to control it, but there sure is turmoil within me.
Are there things that can stop this? If you have any suggestions please email me.
Well that was interesting reading! All the more inteesting because I think I could at one time be classed as suffering from this condition. Like you, it cam hand in hand with meeting my husband and became stronger with the borth of each of my children. i mean sheesh, the thought of leaving them behind, not being able to talk to them, or hug them….still makes me want to cry.
However, I like to think of myself as recovering…mainly due to my active seeking of knowledge of the afterlife! It’s funny really, my husband is an unquestioning believer that this life is just a small part of something bigger and has never been scared of dying. I’m coming around to his way of thinking and I for one now belive our life doesn’t end when we leave this world…of course that has to be a personal belief.
If you’re interested, the book that really got me following this path of belief was Robert Monroes book journeys out of the body in which he describes his experiences with the spirit world. However there are many books out there and you have o choose what you believe….
Great article on ALA btw about Standartistas! (from one of the lesser variety!)
It’s weird but when I look up in the night sky and see the stars and think about the vastness of the universe and what I represent in it, I tend to lose my anxieties. It’s as if through that perspective I see my own enormous insignificance and that everything will continue regardless of me. It’s as if not being of any real importance brings some kind of kooky reassurance.
wow, I could have written this myself (although probably not as eloquently)!
I have recently encountered this phobia. It is debilitating and obviously I’d kill to get a cure, except I don’t do killing. Sometimes I think that religions such as Christianity were created as a cure for what we call thanatophobia, at other times I think there is comfort to be gained so who cares how.
Your argument makes sense to me where your bias towards religion makes you even more skeptical. I was brought up Christian but for some reason I stopped believing in the actual being “God” due to hypocrisy, diatribe and contradiction. It doesn’t mean I don’t believe in something, however I am not sure what it is I believe.
I want to live my life the way it was supposed to be lived. I am sure that we should treat others well. “Do unto others” is a very true religious wisdom. I am pretty sure we weren’t supposed to be moping about trying to come to terms with death.
Sometimes I see death in the context of evolution: improvement by dying. This may imply that the human race is itself a sentient being comprised of all its parts. If that is not the reason, then the reason must be some sort of transcendence. Either way you look at it, we are here for a reason. As a part of the huge evolutionary our role is that of a workhorse. There is no glory, except to know that we’ve done our best job. As a part of a greater context, who knows, life may be a test or punishment for previous sins.
I would be interested in any responses.
I too have this fear and never even realised there was a name for it. In fact it never occurred to me that this fear of death was actually a phobia. I wish I could say it was comforting to read that I am not the only one to suffer from this, but this fear sometimes consumes me and I just dont think that I will ever overcome it.
I am from the UK and moved to the US 5 years ago. I think i have always had the fear of death, even as a child but in the last, maybe 2 or 3 years it has just gotten worse. Somebody once said that its probably worse now because I am so far away from my family.(I have no relatives in US). And yes, this seems to be a reasonable assumption but I just wish the dreadful feelings would go away.
When I try and explain to people what it is, they think that it is a fear of dying itself and the actual physical and possible painful event of dying. But for me it is more about the fear of not being here and ‘not wanting to leave’ and leaving my loved ones behind.
I do think that faith is probably the best ‘cure’ for this but does anyone know of any other ways? I am not depressed, I just wish I could feel acceptance of the inevitable.
Sums up the way I have been feeling for the past year. Everyday having these same thoughts. Last “attack” before this was 5 years ago. Can’t seem to shake off this one.. need to get distracted from it somehow.
This is the fear that have encounted for the 2nd time. The first time (5 years ago) was so bad and debilitating that I was on medication for 5 months and required councelling.
My second attack started last Thursday / Friday and I am in the middle of trying to sort it out. Weird things can set it off. Eg, drive past a funeral procession, no problem. Hold my 5 month old son and sometimes the feelings of death and being gone come up??? Worst early morning and night time.
The fear is so bad if anyone out there has a known treatment option that works. Please let me know. Not one of those cover it up things where it will come back or some religious jargon. I’m looking for a change in mindset were death is accepted but not looked forward to. Niether my father (who cardiac arrested and revived) or my mother or wife share my fears. Very debilitating and lonely
I am just about to begin my journey to try and come to terms with this nightmare scenario.
Ever since my fathers first heart attack and my Gran died in the same week I have had occasional attacks of anxiety and panic.
Since then I have also held my friends hand when she died and this seems to have had a lasting change on my own lifestyle.
Everyday I live with the fear of not only myself “dying” or “not being Hear” but also of losing my close family and friends also. Just thinking about it brings on the sensations of anxiety.
It annoys me how it just pops into your head and ruins your day!!!!!
I still have an active social life but as far as pushing myself I just dont seem to be able to physically do it anymore, its as if I have lost my fitness overnight - I am a 33 year old ex soldier who has played sport and been fit all my life and enjoyed doing it!!!!
I just wish I could turn off these feelings I know that it is an inevitable part of life but I don`t want it ruining what I have left by thinking about it all the time.
Thanks for listening, Scott
This is intresting. Here I sit, just calming myself down from an anxiety attack from this very fear. I’ve been dealing with it for a few years now and it seems to come and go. For some reason it’s been terrible lately. I don’t know what makes it come and go but once it’s here it’s just awful. It’s almost 3am and I’m lying in bed thinking about it then I went into a panic attack. I normally work nights from 9pm to 5am and I thought I could catch up on some sleep since I was off tonight. I rarely get any sleep and it seems to be all I think about lately.
I was just browsing the internet trying to see if others had the same problem. I didn’t even realize there was a name for it. I was telling my fiancee of five years about it and he just doesn’t seem to understand.
Are there any books out there that could possibly shed some light on this whole situation?
Its a funny thing when people look at u from the outside and think ohh what a beautiful and sweet 26 yrold girl in the prime of her life. Yet inside lurks dark ugly thoughts. Thoughts of death and sickness. I have become obsessed and id like to meet a man of any age like me, so that we can mutually understand eachother and live life till it all ends. E-mail me, we may click and then spiritually travel to heights above this thanatophobia and this world.
[JackP: email address removed.]
[JackP: I'm also not convinced that this post is genuine since the email address given doesn't match with the username provided, but the rest of the comment seems fairly safe so I'll leave it in. Sharron/Heidi, apologies if you are genuine, but I don't really want to be offering a dating service, for thanatophobics or anyone else!]
Whilst this continues to get me down and I feel like shit when I think of the inevitability of dying, I would say to people out there with this fear/ phobia to seek treatment from your doctor or “shrink”. Whilst my fear is VERY real and remains I do feel a little better having sought help and treatment. Can help to calm the mind while you put things into perspective.
Since my post on 31st October have visited my local GP a couple of times.
He has shown a great interest and we have been chatting and both decided not to go down the medicinal route but to try and explore “spirituality”. He is a Chinese man and we have discussed various faiths and also the inevitability of death, and, how these faiths deal with it e.g “life after death, Rebirth or reincarnation etc…” .Have always been a sceptic myself
Although I know this isn`t going to disappear overnight, his genuine interest has already helped in some small way and I know if I dont get to grips with it it will just turn me into someone who is afraid to push himself in anyway and the quality of life I see most people enjoying will never be achievable, and lets face it thats all any of us want, to enjoy life and live it to the full!!!!!!
One of the next steps we are going to try is maybe some form of charity or helping others in some way. I guess its about feeling good about yourself and grasping life with both hands.
Good luck everyone!!!!
Scott
I have been suffering from this phobia since I was young girl (now almost 27). It comes and goes throughout the years, but always comes back (almost like my brain has it’s spam blocker turned off).
I’m convinced there is no cure. There is no cure because no one knows for sure (100%, concrete, hard scientific fact) what happens when you die. The only fact we have is that you physically cease to exist.
Since I mainly get my attacks right before I go to bed I found the best way to avoid an attack is to fall asleep watching TV, or anything else that distracts my brain from thinking about it. Sure you wake up at 4am to turn the tv off, but you easily fall back asleep.
Amazingly I’m not afraid of how I’m going to die, fire, cancer, drowning…sure it all sucks but it doesn’t bother me. Not existing bothers me. I love life too much not to be here…the ups and the downs.
To re-iterate other poeple’s experiences, I am also not depressed. I am a VERY happy person. Meeting me you would never know that I suffer these aweful panic attacks.
Roxanne,
your thoughts seem to particularly resonate with my own - I’m not so bothered how, it’s the fact I’m going to die in the first place that I object to!
Similarly, I can’t get to sleep without the TV, radio etc on (but mine has a sleep function so it turns itself off after 90 minutes).
And I love the spam filter concept!
One of the things that has stuck in my mind when dealing with this is something that my father said to me a couple of weeks ago. It’s something that as he has got older, no longer scares him. I too am not scared of how it happens or even to a certain point when, it’s the fact of WHAT happens to my conciousness when I die. Do I know I’m dead? Is there an afterlife? Does human life have meaning? If there is no afterlife, does that mean that people like Hitler and Mother Theresa have the same outcome at death? Blah Blah etc etc. Questions no-one alive can 100% tell any of us.
I found this link while researching thanatophobia, coz I felt pretty much the same way… I linked to your blog in my post… coz I feel wot you’ve written is very well-articulated and is very similar to the way I think…
Thanks!
Ummm, I don’t advertise this; well not on my blog anyway… I’m an agnostic… soooo yeah…
Thanks for visiting!!!
I think the quote about being remembered for achieving immortality is Woody Allen by the way. Right - that’s the pedantry done with. For three years on and off I’ve been suffering anxiety attacks. It started when I was 47 and up until then I was, at least I think, pretty much OK, well balanced and happy. It took me a while to even realise that the anxiety was death related and to be honest, no one in the medical profession has offered me any useful help. The ludicrous paradox for me is that sometimes I’m so afraid of dying, and at other times that fear gets to be so much that feel I can’t bear carrying on like this. How daft is that?
I don’t know if the following will help anyone, but one small practical tip I’ve found useful is that alcohol DEFINITELY makes the anxiety worse.
AH
I think I may be thanaphobic.
I’ve just discovered this term online, which is probably dangerous. For the past 3 and a half months I have been to several doctors (and emergency wards) because of chest pains. I’ve seen a counsellor as well who says that they are panic attacks. Every time it happens I am convinced there is something wrong with my heart, and as I’m sure you can imagine, that is a terrifying feeling.
I’ve since been able to convince myself that I’m not having a heart attack, but there has not been a single day for a long time during which I haven’t had to convince myself several times a day that I’m “OK.” I’m absolutely terrified of dying, especially anytime soon.
The worst part of it is, as you’ve explained, that this IS NOT irrational. Dropping dead WOULD be the worst possible thing that could happen. What IS irrational, however, is wasting hours worrying about it when the chances of my dropping dead today are ridiculously slim. But, I can’t quite kick it and it’s ruining weeks of my life at a time.
I’m not sure why I’m posting this. I was just happy to read this and to know where you are coming from. Thanks for sharing,
Melissa
It is remarkable…
Like many before me have said, I thought I was the only one who had this issue…
I have been to about 6 or 7 therapists with this issue. None of them have ever given me a diagnosis.
My wife thinks I am nuts… She is perfectly happy only having 60-80 years to exist.
The idea of me not existing just makes me become dysfunctional. I don’t want to work, eat, sleep, do anything. And the funny thing is I don’t think it is “depression”. I don’t feel sad, or unhappy. I just feel pointless. That, in the end, it will not matter anyway.
And like everyone above, the actual act of dying doesn’t scare me… The fact that I will no longer exist terrifies me.
I just happened upon this site by accident. I have spent months (almost 1 1/2 yrs) being unable to get rid of this same feeling. I have convinced myself that I will die of cancer and I can’t shake it. Again, it is not really the dying that scares me–althought it does a good job. It is the time between finding the lump or the doctor finding something in a routine exam and getting the diagnosis, and being told it is termina, and the last day. I say cancer, because it is a slow killer and a common one. I almost have less of a fear of being killed by a car accident or massive heart attack (something instantaneous) because I won’t know it is coming. I believe in God and Jesus. I also hope in an afterlife. But what is strange is that even though I have these deep beliefs, even if there is nothing, I don’t mind–I won’t know because I will be dead! The real fear is leaving my family–my husband, sisters, and parents and the pain that hearing I will die will cause them. The time between learning I will die and dying will be hell. Some people say they are using the time to focus on the positives and living life to the fullest. I am afraid that I would spend it freaking out and being depressed beyond belief. I couldn’t handle it. I also think about the pain I would cause my husband and the waste of what could have been a wonderful marriage. The guilt of this overwhelms me. Again, like almost everyone here, I am not depressed outwardly. I really have a good time when I am not focused on this–but more and more I think about it. When I have something else to preoccupy my mind I am fine. Any thoughts. I am so glad I found this site.
One other thing I forgot to include is that I am panicky about dying young. That is REALLY terrifying to me.
A fear of death is totally irrational, you silly sod.
Mind telling me why? It seems like a perfectly rational fear to me…
…unless of course you can prove to me the existence of an afterlife. Anyone wanting to have a go at that (spiritualists, mediums, etc) is more than welcome.
It’s only fair to warn you I’ll be skeptical though — not closed-minded, that’s a different thing — but skeptical.
I am so glad I foubd this site. I was diagnosed with OCD (obsessive thinking) and it has ruined my life. I am not the person who I used to be. The constant thought of death is torturing me. Anyone have any advice?
well i am so confused by this unacceptable fear of death what is there to be afraid of. why in the world would you want to waste your time worring about an event that cannot stop or cannot be avoided. i am not hating on you for being afraid. you can be scared for a while and to an extent but to go as far as loosing sleep or putting this fear up as a wall to prevent growth is just wierd. again not calling you wierd i dont know what it is like or how it feels to be afraid of death. it cant hurt you. death is death. i am not a religion freak but i found that believing in a god or afterlife helps in taking your mind off death. even if there is no god at least you will be able to keep your mind off death.
Hi!
You managed to put all of my thoughts into words, wow! And made it very interesting to.
I have been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and I am recovering from this.. I don’t understand how I was ever suicidal! I just don’t get it.
I cry myself to sleep because I am absolutely terrified of dying. It is the worst fear ever. I hate it I hate it I hate it.
It went away for a few years and now it’s back and I can’t get rid, it’s only been a few weeks since it’s got bad, but it’s REALLY bad.
I don’t know what to do.
I am obsessed. I go online & fill out “death clocks” and watch the seconds counting down & I am terrified. Truely.
My neighbour who died, I saw her daily, my mums best friend, she said “I Don’t want to die, I don’t want to die” in hospital - over 80 years old, and she died the next week when I was away :(.. never got to say goodbye, it was so distressing, knowing she didn’t want to die.
So so distressing :(. I hate it.
I want to grab you & cuddle you. I really do. Is there any way I can be in contact with you?
I can’t believe it. I just got out of bed because I was lying there for so long thinking about death. I figured I would finally see if there was any information that could help me online because it so it bloody debilitating.
Yours is about the seventh or so site I’ve been too, and I laughed when I saw that quote up top “Thanatophobia is an intense fear of something that poses little or no actual danger.”
I thought the exact same thing. No danger huh? Wonder what world they’re living in? Oh yes, the how can we make money out of people’s misery-land, right.
I found myself nodding along and agreeing with everything you’ve said, and all the other posters here as well.
I think my true terror came after I had been mugged by a group of people. I realised that I had absolutely no control over the outcome and they could very well take my life in a second. Gets you to thinking about everything else about death that you can’t control, or even be aware of! I find thats the unfair part. I think I could probably cope with nearly anything if I knew what was going to happen.
I find it interesting that so many of us have so many of the same symptoms and experiences though. Maybe there might be…some hope for a cure if its so streamlined, right?
I’m going to bookmark this site anyway, I’m just thankful that I’m not alone and a freak, anymore, at least.
Thank god for your site! It would appear that my partner is suffering from Thanatophobia and I truly don’t know what to do. How severe is your case? He is waking up in the middle of the night screaming and running about screaming how he can no longer handle it. Unlike you, he has more of a tendency to looking at the glass half empty and I am very concerned about him. Not too sure about he best way to support him. My words do not sooth him, and my hugs seem to send him into more of a frenzy. Help!!?
Marcia,
I don’t know to be honest. I know when I’m feeling particularly bad I like to just snuggle up beside my wife and that makes me feel a little better.
Beyond that, I don’t really know. Being occupied with other thoughts and focussing on something else helps (but it can be difficult to remain focussed), but I’d guess convincing myself in an afterlife is probably the only permanent solution.
This website has made me feel so good.
I known i have thanatophobia since i was about 11 (so for six years), i tried to hide my panic attacks from my family, but then i had a very public panic attack about two years ago where i was absolutely taken over in anxiety about death. I just couldnt control my fear anymore.
Since then, i try to supress my panic attacks when my mind wanders to death. I have them usually at night or in silently in crowded rooms.
I would do anything not to be scared of death and i get so embrassed when i try to explain to my friends my fear. I believe in jesus and afterlife. But…this sounds stupid but… i just wish i knew for sure there was an afterlife. I guess im not as faithful as i’d like.
i also think i suffer from hypnogognic paralysis, which i think is linked to my fear of death.
After all, phobias are the result of the way the brain is wired. And i suppose the reason why i’m like this must be because i wired slightly differently from most people.
Like most of the people with thanatophobia, i’m cheerful, and spend most of my time laughing but when everyone’s gone, i become my thanotophobic self.
I’m so glad other people have this condition.
Incredible stuff - I’m another one who’s going to say ‘you’ve taken the words out of my mouth’
Quick summary: Only ever hits just before sleeping - need to have TV or radio on to actually get to sleep - only like this for the last year or so…. sound familiar?
Seeing other folk have similar experiences actually makes me feel better about it all in a selfish kind of way though - so thanks for a great post! (that’s not schadenfreude surely though right? lol)
Stay Happy!
It IS completely rational, in my thanatophobic opinion anyhow. I have just finished reading Tuesday’s with Morrie, which is an inspiring book for any average Jo, but I certainly would not recommend it to anyone suffering from thanatophobia! I’ve been wrestling with a debilitating fear of death and anxiety for about 10 years or so and the more I learn about Religion and belief, the more cynical and fearful I become. From these posts alone, I have learnt that there are several common features of this phobia - 1. A lack of faith in the afterlife (damn you, lucky believers!), 2. It is worse at night, 3. Panic attacks are common and likely, 4. Illness or death of others aggrevates the condition, 5. It is more common than any of us probably expected.
Thanks for the post.
Thanks for the site JackP.
My thoughts and fears are similar to your own, i.e. the fear of death of course, being a scientist and therefore somewhat of a skeptic, and most interestingly my fear becomes most pronounced when I am happiest in life. It is at these times when I feel that death is the one thing that can ruin. And since I would consider myself a happy person my fears of death seem to come often.
Also interesting is the fact that I imagine if someone I was close to were to die before me I might feel better about death in general.
One comfort to me is thinking about the history of mankind, i.e. how every human being before us had died. It’s the way it is. I don’t know why I find comfort in this. Perhaps it’s something to do with the paragraph above, like as long as others do it, it’ll be okay when I do it. Wierd.
Sadly, even though billions of people have gone through death, no one has lived to tell about it!
Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
Thank goodness I’ve found this site. It’s 11.10pm and I’m have a “panic attack” thinking about the inevitable. Hot sweats, chest tightening, loss of mental control…well almost! Does anyone have any quick fixes for this that have worked? My main fear seems to be the overwhleming sense of not having control over when or how I die and the prospect of leaving 3 small children without a mother. As someone has previously mentioned, these feelings seem to manifest themselves just before bedtime, although I did have a “turn” on the tube the other day when stuck in a tunnel for ages. Any quick tips would be great as I want to go to bed and sleep. the kids will have me up at 6.00am!
Hi, I’m Lu,I’m 29 and I’m italian (so,sorry if my English is not perfect)…Since last year,I’m so obsessed by fear of death, that I entered “Thanatophobia” in Google to find anything about it in any country…so I found this site…I’m glad to have found it,It makes me feel less lonely and desperate….I often think my life is getting over,and it causes me panic attacks and sadness…
I hope we all can get out from this hard condition.
Thank-you…
This site is great! I was very surprised that so many others suffer from this condition. I am having a hard time sleeping right now because my heart is pounding worrying about death. I am scared more about not being here and leaving my family behind than anything else. I have a feeling that becoming more involved in religion would be helpful, but I don’t want the fear of this fear to be the only reason for my doing so. This is so frustrating. I was just sitting here watching a TV show and the fear came on all of a sudden. I’ve been okay for a couple of weeks but it’s back now. I suppose I will take comfort in knowing that in the morning I will feel better.
I think from reading the comments one of the things that has struck me is that how a lot of us find comfort in knowing we’re not alone in having these thoughts, which we probably don’t voice to others because we’re worried they’d sound pretty stupid…
I appreciate everyone who has taken the time to comment too!
I agree - these words could have been written by me!! But what about tips for healing? Living our lives in a state of fear is no fun so can we not find a method to control our thoughts? Any suggestions?
i’m so glad i am not alone. i have an obsessional fear of death which is ruining my life. like you my brain is always doing overtime i keep repeating in my mind over and over again… how can an afterlife be real if the world is made up for billions of organisms that we can’t even see, if we go to heaven where does everything else go?? how can afterlife exist??? and if there is one then what does eternity mean??? do we stay in heaven forever??? is there never an end. I suffer from extreme panic attacks because of it. I have spells where I don’t think about death for a week or so but some weeks it keeps me up all night. I’m only 19 and this condition which i can only brand OBSESSIONAL is taking over my life. I don’t know whether to see a gp or a therapist. i just think how can they help me if they don’t have the answers to all of my questions?? will my phobia ever be cured??? the thought of dying gives me the shakes and i hyperventilate sometimes whilst crying for hours!! glad i’m not alone, wish i could meet some of you all so we could share our thoughts. thanks for posting this jack it has been a great comfort for me to read… but my phobia will live on!
I do think therapy will help all of us. It may cost alot but it is important and it helps to talk. I also think looking into some philosophies about afterlife and to try to control your thoughts to have faith. I know, incredibly difficult but we are all wrecking our lives by obsessing about something that is inevitable. I have severe panic attacks too, in fact, I think all of my anxiety has a root in the denial and fear of my own death. Now, to get a handle on it. I am going to try hypnotherapy and I also believe in making your life busy and full. I am not very skilled at it but positive thinking also helps and it may help to prepare for your death - talk about what you want done at your funeral, make a will, write a book etc. I wish I was Mexican and believed in the dead returning back for a visit one day a week (not that I think all Mexicans believe this) but it is nice to believe that death is not entirely permanent, in terms of your spirit. But we do live on beyond our physical body through our friends and family. Although I know that sucks because we want to live forever but this is biologically impossible. I don’t know if this is any help my ramblings. Maybe think about what your purpose is on Earth and that you are but one piece in the millions of pieces of matter.
Ok,
Reading this put my mind at ease (well, atleast a little bit). I have been suffering from this for about 6 months now, and it’s terrible. I was diagnosed with OCD but I still think it’s a phobia. The thought of death is on my mind 99.9% of the day. There isn’t a minute of the day that goes by that I don’t think of it. I remember when I used to be able to go to the cemetary and be just fine, and now the thought of the cemetary freaks me out. I am currently in therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy and erp. I don’t find this to be working. I am being exposed to the fear but I don’t feel any different about it. I was on anti-anxiety meds, but I refuse to take them because I just become numb to the thought and once the medication wears off I feel anxious again. Does ANYONE have any advice? There has to be something that we can do. I understand that death is inevitable, but will there ever be a day that goes by where I don’t think about it? Can anyone relate?
-Thanks!
As I sit here reading this alone in my dorm room, I can’t help but bawl my eyes out. When I was younger, around 11 and 12 years of age, I suddenly developed severe panic attacks where I was too scared to leave my house or hometown because I had the fear that someone in my family, or that I loved dearly, would die if I wasn’t around to help prevent it. My mom enrolled me in therapy and within 3 or 4 months the therapy treatment, along with self disipline, helped ease these attacks. Although I no longer suffered from severe panic attacks on a routine basis, the feelings of dizzyness, sweating palms, and delusions would come back when I had to to take part in things that scared me like flying in a plane, riding on an elevator, etc. Recently though I’ve begun to have panic attacks again, although the thoughts of others dying isn’t so much a concern as the fear I have of my own death and morality. I started recreationally smoking marijuana about 5 months ago, and during a recent high the panic attacks came on so intensly that I thought I needed to go to the Emergency Room. I’m so scared. I have a loving boyfriend and family ,and I’m hoping by talking to them about this and possibly getting therapy again I can start living my life the way I want to. I don’t really believe in God, but I want my life on Earth to have a purpose. I want to seem more special than a common ant that people would step on with little thought or regard. I just want to know everything is going to be OK. I hope I seek help soon enough before it’s too late. Knowing other people feel this way has been a huge comfort. Thank you for being so honest.
Thank you so much for writing this. I thought that it was just me having these worries. I’m too embarrassed to talk about it with my family, because they all seem to accept death very well, especially my brother. He does not fear death, and I envy him so much on that.
I have had struggled with symptoms of OCD since I was 9 or 10. While I have been afraid of dying since around this point, it goes in stages. Lately it has worsened because of the death of one of my professors in December. I wasn’t even close to him, but I was really looking forward to taking another class with him. I saw him four days before he died in a plane crash. Just thinking of the last time we talked, how he offered pizza to me and was so nice, and then how he was dead four days later just was so hard to think of when I found out.
I wish I could put my faith in an afterlife, but I can’t. I really hope that it is so, but my scientific thinking takes over my faith. I believe in God and I hope that he rewards us after he dies, but sometimes I can’t help thinking that maybe He won’t.
Taking deep breathes and calling my family members to see how they are helps my anxiety. It also helps me to think that I am here on this Earth for a reason, and that I should work as hard as I can to enjoy my life before it passes. I think dying will be a lot easier if I have had a full life without any regrets.
Thank you again for posting this. It helps so much to know that I’m not alone. I hope that everyone who has posted on here can overcome their fear, including me!
I have never read an article where someone has summed up the way that i feel so well. Although I am only 17 years old I like in permanent fear of what will happen to our body and our “soul” after we die. I know I have had this all of my life because I can remember crying about eternity to my mom when I was younger. It wasn’t until recently that I started having panic attacks. I can’t sleep or have normal conversations because the topic is on my mind all day long.
I have started looking more into my faith but I think that I am skeptical about it because I look at the death aspect so much. I don’t want to be like this my whole life and I would really love it if someone had any pointers to share. Thanks so much!
I am also 17 years old and have been suffering with this since I first learned that people died. I was in pre-school and I was learning about the American presidents; I asked where George Washington was now, and the teacher said he was dead. Since that first day when I learned what death was, I have been completely terrified of it. I am an atheist and therefore cannot believe in the afterlife, but just like in this post, I passionately want to believe in such an idea- but my pride and personal integrity keeps me from doing so and believing in something that is not real. I just want to exist! Up until a few months ago, I could forget for weeks at a time that I eventually will have to die, but sometimes it would creep up on me and I would have massive panic attacks where I had to remind myself to breath and frantically searched for a way to take my mind off of my thoughts. Then a few months ago, I was sick with the flu for a week and has a series of these panic attacks within just a few days. Since then, I constantly think about death, at least once every two hours, but I can think of it without freaking out with a panic attack…instead I will try to read a comedic book or watch TV (but this is just temporary relief). I am still terrified of it, and just like in this post, don’t see why others are not. My personality is outgoing and cheerful, but I’m afraid to tell my parents about my fear- I do not want them to think that I am depressed and they cannot afford therapy. Yet, I need help. This thinking about death constantly every day is taking a toll on me; i feel stressed out. Advice anyone? Please.
I’m shocked. I have had exactly this for a while now. I dunno when it came on as such. When I was younger my dad would talk to me about death a lot and I thought I understood and was fine about it and then suddenly, years later it started to scare me. I think it really started to come on when I met my partner. Before that I don’t remember ever giving it serious thought, all my attention was on love and finding someone special. And then we were at a cinema watching severance and this guy died and suddenly it hit me, when I die, thats it, final and I panicked right there and then and started crying. I told my partner and he doesn’t really understand but he tries. I cry about it all the time and it takes over my mind. At night in bed is the worst. I just don’t wanna die. I can’t imagine not being here. Not being able to talk, or think or see. What will happen to all my memories and thoughts? And I get scared of my partner dying too, cos I would miss him so much. I don’t understand why we are here and what life is for and I need to be sure that I am living it right. Bird flu is taking over my mind at the minute, I am so sure I am going to get it and its going to wipe us all out. I don’t know what to do!!
i almost don’t want to post this comment because it is making my fear of death real… and death itself real, of course i know death is real, but it is something that i wish i could avoid. i have no idea how to help fix this, although it was quite a relief to see that many other people suffer this horrible phobia. well here it goes.. I am 20 and i have had this phobia since i can remember, although as the years go by it does intensify greatly.. this year has been awful. i had a baby 3 mo. ago.. so the post partum depression and this awful phobia makes it impossible to be sane. i am such a happy person and i find that the more happy i am the more i get depressed.. i wish i could just be happy, but everytime i am i think about the fact that any happy nad evey happy moment will eventually end with death.. and i feel like this is the only phobia that you can never really control.. because death is the only thing that you can’t avoid.. so nomatter how may drugs i may be on in the future, nothing will ever change the fact that we will all die and that the universe will be no more.. why does it matter if it is in seconds or centuries.. all time will come and go. don’t get me wrong, in no way am i suicidal, just scared. this is one of those nights… and i feel like the deeper i get in finding the truth the more scared i become, and the further away i get from some kind of answer. i want to have a happy moment with my husband and new baby that doesn’t end with the fear of never feeling a moment like that or any moment again…. and if there is an afterlife how long is forever really?? which brings me to my other fear… TIME.
thank you
I have read this article with interest and would reiterate comments that it is nice to know there are others who are the same. I started with anxiety about death and the finality of it when I was an adolescent.My problem is that it brings on a full blown panic attack and I hyperventilate, cry out, have palpitations and do the old fight and flight, I visualize myself as dead and it can be terrifying! Not being here, blackness, nothing and thats it! I usually get them at night and again for some reason the panic attacks have returned. Haven’t had one until last night for a year or two! Very bizarre and as someone who worked with life and death situations(Operating theatres/ resus room)on a daily basis up until 4 years ago it really frustrates me that I can’t just get out of this mind set! Any ideas for positive thinking would be greatly appreciated.
Jo
UK
i totally agree with jo… i am the same way… i cry and freak out sometimes i feel like i am going to die from the fear of death… heart attack or something.. lately i have been trying to distract myself, but nothing really works because this fear is so real.
Just found your blog via a google search of thanatophobia - I’ve been really fearing death since I had my 3rd child and almost died from a ruptured appendix during the pregnancy. I don’t fear death for myself per se, I fear my children dying - for instance, if something is wrong with one of them, I’m instantly terrified they’re going to die; but also I fear that they may have to grow up without a mother if I kick.
It does become an irrational fear, and it does become debilitating. I’m just not really sure what can be done about it.
What’s really bringing it on now is the fact that I’m a nursing student - I am forced to confront death on a daily basis, whether from reading textbooks or working at clinicals.
I am also an atheist, and have absolutely no hope for an afterlife.
Just sucks to be human, I guess!
I also found your blog via a google search of thanatophobia. It all happened 8 years ago, I had a major panic attack when I accidentally thought about death. Since then I’ve been dealing with it on and off. Up till today I had a few good years in between but a year agothanatophobia kicked back big time.
Now I’m seeing a therapist weekly (I was diagnosed Anxiety Disorder) but I can’t say it’s working for me. It’s painful that I often feel like I have 2 sets of mind, one set is trying hard to function normally around people, one set is for my own which is just obsessed with fear of death. Same as a lot people here, what terrifies me the most is thinking the world will go on and on and on but I’ll just not be in it.
It got so mad, last June I was suicidal. And I was 4 month pregnant then. Anti-depressant was not the option. Now look back, I just carried on living with spending time with friends, confiding to my husband, seeing a therapist, etc…
I must say what helped me the most in the past, and is still helping me today is my religious believes. After all what do we have when we are facing death? For me there is nothing but God.
Mind is a tricky thing, since we do not seem to be able to control what we think, we just need to re-learn a lot of things. Hopefully next time the mind will function with newly learnt knowledge, fear-free knowledge.
But so many people are living out there with no fear of death, at least not like me who is obsessed with fear of death, there must be something wrong with me and I’m determined to get myself fixed.
Who knows, maybe I’m just saying it because I felt alright today. Tomorrow can be good can be bad. Somehow along the way, I stopped looking forward into the future.
Well I am so relieved I have found this page on the internet. I feel that I am not going mad anymore after reading so many people are sharing this phobia with me. It is nice to know that I am not alone and there are others out there feeling and doing the exact same thing as me. I dont feel so alone with this darkness anymore. Well done to JackP who has made me feel so much better by writing this page, thank you!!!
Thanatophobia is a very strange phobia. I started with this fear when I opened up questions about life, what did it actually mean to me, how much time do I have left before I die, what happens after that last breath. These were questions I could not answer. As an artist, these questions about death got deeper and deeper. I went on a little journey with this fear. I started thinking about death, the idea of me not being here etc, who I would leave behind etc. All the things we have all done. It started as a small fear but grew into this horrible darkness in my mind which I could not escape. I had all the symptoms panic attacks, sweating etc every night. I ended up living 24 hrs with this fear, in a little bubble of darkness in my mind, living in my mind not in the real world and I could not escape it. I thought it would never go away. I needed medical help, which I accepted but it did just mask the problem, the phobia never went away.
The only thing I can suggest is that hypnotherapy is a good solution. It doesnt make it go away, but I feel that I can handle life a little better now. Deep relaxation exercises are good as that eases the mind and gives the mind different sensations to work with. I find the brain is like a computer it is programmed to do what you tell it to do. The brain sometimes needs to be reset from negative thoughts and more positive thoughts need to be entered in there, instead of reissuing death thoughts over and over again. I just wanted to reassure people it gradually gets a little easier as you find yourself able to handle this phobia better than you did at the beginning, which is a positive thing!
Although I would give anything not to have Thanatophobia, i have to admit that.
I hope I have helped a couple of you as I know what you are all experiencing and it is really horrible but at least I hope now you all see a little glimmer of hope that it does get a little easier I am proof of that.
Well, I am going through a better time at the moment. I don’t know if this will work in the long run, but I have been trying to meditate every night. Start as soon as I get into bed. I just think of an image and concentrate on it, or just concentrate on deep breathing until I fall asleep.
It does seem to help, even if its just a distraction, I can actually focus more during the day instead of going into a downward death spiral. And I actually am not terrified of going to sleep anymore.
Anyway…I hope maybe this might help someone else out there.
Take care.
For me it’s not just the idea of death, but also of our complete lack of understanding of the universe. The drive to assign a meaning or purpose to everything we see around us is all-consuming, and the eventual realisation that there is no deeper meaning to anything and that trying to think about the nature or root of the universe is completely useless.
Science, religion, philosophy are all man’s way of trying to deal with the senselessness of the universe around us, but if you strip it all away you’re only left with a nameless dread at the fact that the world doesn’t offer the one thing our minds seem to need most, meaning.
The only thing which provides comfort for me is considering the alternatives. After all, existing forever would probably become tiresome. But I think I could probably hold out a few thousand years. And then maybe rest a few thousand more… who knows. Eternity is more or less impossible to conceptualize.
People claim that the complexity of the brain has to be proof of intelligent design, but to me it just seems woefully inadequate. Why would any hyperintelligent being give us brains which would plague us with these thoughts, and brains that were incapable of thinking about concepts like infinity? It’s said that the human brain is the only one in the animal kingdom capable of planning ahead, of conceptualizing the future, and to me it often seems that there are probably a host of other things which hypothetical brains would be capable of that we can’t even imagine. Things which would make our understanding of the physical world, pathetic as it is, much more complete (though a complete understanding is likely impossible, if even applicable).
So yeah, the idea of not existing frightens me. Sometimes I run the thought experience of thinking before I was born, but unfortunately the fact that my conciousness has slowly developed since then makes that rather difficult.
There, that’s my 10-PM-tried-to-fall-asleep-but-couldn’t rant. Take from it what you will, none of my points are very well supported or anything but they’re more designed to appeal to anyone whose had similar thoughts. Good night.
[...] something that while I’d like to believe (the concept of survival after death), what with me being thanatophobic and all, but for the same reason it’s something I’d want significant evidence in first [...]
This is me exactly! And I couldn’t be happier that you’ve written it(despite the fact that yes, it terrified the hell out of me to read it and have to think about it). I’m 17, and have been like this since as long as I can remember, but only in the past year has it become a daily problem. Only now is it impossible to get through a day without feeling anxious over the fact that I’m going to die one day and I have no idea what exactly that means.
I’ve been raised in the Catholic church and I’ve grown up believing in a heaven, but in the past year I just can’t be sure anymore.
I am the exacty way as Jo, and when I was younger(used to get attacks as I was falling asleep), it was easier to make them go away by simply watching a little TV or reading a book, but that doesn’t work any more(and actually makes it worse sometimes). I would say, however, that I am depressed, and I think the anxiety has a big part of it. I’m just so afraid that I’ll never get over this fear, I feel like I’m missing out on life, and I guess that’s gotten me down.
So there’s no cure then? Just faith? I think I’d be willing to do anything to get rid of this…does anyone know anything you can do?
What can I say? A simple ‘thank you’ for posting this blog just doesn’t come close to expressing how I feel. The things JackP and other people have mentioned could have come out of my own brain, they are so relevant. I have suffered with this fear of death since I was about six. I have just turned forty, and feel very anxious that I may be ‘half-way’ through my quota of life….there has been no point during my life when my thoughts have not regularly turned to the subject of my inevitable non-existence. I agree with previous comments that knowing I am not the only one with these awful feelings does help, but I experience a great sympathy to imagine there are people out there that get the same awful panicky feelings that I do - I wouldn’t wish this condition on anyone. I often look at people in the street and wonder why are they not all running around tearing at their hair and screaming ‘I don’t want to die!’, which I end up doing at my lowest points during the night attacks.
Good luck to everyone of you who suffers with thanatophobia, and thanks again for sharing these very personal feelings with us all.
I wholeheartedly agree with JackP. What’s scaring me mostly is not actually death itself but the feeling right at the moment you’re already dying. I mean, I’m young now and the event has not yet even taken place but I’m already panicky. What more if it’s already the actual day of dying.
The scariest part is the thought that “this thought” will bother me for the rest of my life. I am very unhappy right now because the things I used to enjoy somehow lost their beauty. Actually, beautiful things becomes the trigger for my anxiety of death. I mean, before, I would just condition my mind to a certain beautiful place and tell myself that, “Maybe if I’m in this place with this person, I won’t be afraid to die.” Then move on.
But what happened was I tried thinking about it while I was at this nice place. I love that place because it was really beautiful and it gives off some kind of a dreamlike ambiance. But then, this thought that “imagine you’re dying now” popped on head and I was still scared. I now realized that no beautiful place or person or instance could pacify my fear.
Before I used to enjoy the thought of clubbing, of meeting celebrities of going to Europe and all those beautiful things that I have enjoyed before. Now I cannot because “death” is written all over them. They suddenly became ugly because whenever I think about them, my fear of death is triggered.
Most people aren’t scared because they just DON’T THINK about it hard. Now, not thinking about it sort of tells me that I’m just deluding myself so that I would be happy. This adds to the anxiety.
I know that nothing could be done about this death thing but something could be done on how I think about it. WHAT should I think so that the death anxiety will stop? It seems as though no thing could ever override the thought.
Please, tell me of a cure. It’s really annoying and it’s ruining my life.
Have you tried different kinds of therapy I mean it is terrifying but its going to happen either way, death is a natural part of life. The sooner you can truly understand that the quicker you’ll be on the way to curing it.
I am also affected with thanatophobia.
I was brought up with keeping an open mind, but to question everything, which has made me an expert double guesser. I would like to consider myself spiritual, or at least spiritually interested, but this fear has always been there from my most faithful times when I was young and Catholic, to after my 29th birthday when I really started to question the deeper meanings. What if everything we believe was wrong, or worse what if the worst case scenerio is the right one?
When I feel an attack coming on (also late at night) I try to reassure myself in the scientific concept that energy cannot be created nor destroyed, but only transformed. I go back to this when in a need to convince/remind myself that something I am part of has always been there prior to coming together at birth and that same something will carry on long after I’ve dissapated.
That concept, energy transforming, is grazing upon some forms of Buddhism perhaps. That there is energy going on in life, but we are only seeing from the limited husk of our brains and our lack of understanding infinate concepts with a human mind prevents us from understanding the specifics from there.
Scientifically, it seems that *something* has to continue on, even if it we are but a drop of rain rejoining the ocean after we die, it, whatever you may call it, is still there somewhere.
Not that this always helps me each time (like I said, I question everything), but I do try to calm myself from that point. Maybe this train of thought can help someone out there as well. I would like to think the afterlife has more to it than this, that thoughts and feelings carry over as well, and I will always be looking for this in answer, I think. Hoping to hear ghosts, to get a sign, see a miracle, something that I can say ‘no doubt about it, we go one, now I can sleep peacefully.”
So, I’m pretty sure that I’m Thanatophobic. I’m 22 years old and I think about the possibility of dying, what happens after death (if anything…which is the scary part), what it feels like to die…all kinds of terribly brain rattling stuff…it keeps me awake for hours…And I cannot (AT ALL) figure out what to do to get rid of this. It’s not debilitating…yet…but I’m afraid that it will be once I hit 40 or so and my hormones go haywire…What can I do??
All I have to say is WOW, we are a screwed up bunch us thanatophobics! I have suffered from this particular phobia for about 10 years, and the intensity of my fear of death has steadily risen over time. I first experienced this fear when I was at college and it was triggered by a philosophy class titled ‘existentialism’. It was an insidious class, I mean really, being forced to read all those morbid French intellectuals??!! Reading existentialist literature is a great way to induce a life long fear of death!
Btw, I’m a Christian and have been since I was 17 (I’m now 34). I find my faith challenged daily because of my fear of death. Seriously, I profess a faith that is predicated on the physical resurrection of a God man, yet I struggle to place my full hope in my eventual resurrection at the final judgment; it seems like it isn’t a true story (Jesus raising from the dead) sometimes, I feel this acutely when I’m experiencing a bad episode of death anxiety. But, I do believe that it is the remaining faith that I have that prevents me from going over the edge into total insanity as a result of my constant death anxiety.
It seems that the unifying theme among us thanatophobes is the fear of NON-BEING or NOTHINGNESS, i.e., the TOTAL EXTINCTION OF THE SELF. That is what keeps me awake at night and brings on relentless waves of dread and panic!! I think I love life to much, and it is unfathomable that we must all eventually say goodbye to everything we hold dear. It causes me such intense angst sometimes that I marvel that I can go on living as well as I do. And unlike most of the previous remarks above, I suffer from moderate to severe depression stemming from my fear of dying. I am CONSTANTLY sorrowful, and I cry frequently when I reflect on my family members having to die one day. Death anxiety causes me to grieve for myself and all of humanity every single day. I also worry about the physical pain of dying. Will I suffer in physical agony before I die? That thought has kept me up many a night! I even fear going to bed and falling asleep, it seems to me like I’m rehearsing for my inevitable death and one thought haunts me “what if this is my last day of existence and I die in my sleep?”.
Man, being a thanatophobe SUCKS! It completely drains my energy, and I don’t even want to date or anything because I’m to occupied with thoughts of my eventual death! Also, and sorry to appear gloomy, but I don’t believe there exists a cure for thanatophobics. For some reason we see reality for what it is. People that don’t have death anxiety are deluded and blind and living with a sense of false security. Overwhelming death anxiety is an appropriate reaction to the knowledge that we must one day die and pass out of human existence! It’s absurd! It’s utterly perplexing! All we want is to live forever with our loved ones, but that is the one wish that can never come true. It’s like a nightmare that you can’t wake up from because your already awake!
Sigh, alright, sorry for going on and on, reading the blog entry and all the posts got my all fired up. Thanks for reading this everyone and I have only one suggestion - EXPLORE RELIGION (especially Christianity), I believe it is the only path to any lasting joy and peace in this all too brief life. Do not allow yourselves to be consumed with vain pursuits such as acquiring THINGS or drug abuse. These are miserable distractions and diversions, invest your time in worthwhile activities such as reading the scriptures, at least there is hope to be found there. Good luck everyone, and I truly hope we all find the peace we yearn for, and if not in this life, then pray God in another, better life to come.
I need to say one last thing that I meant to include in my previous post:
does anyone out there fear the process of falling asleep like I do? If so, would you please describe what it’s like for you? Is your experience like my experience?
It is the LOSING OF CONSCIOUSNESS while drifting off to sleep that causes me paralyzing fear sometimes. It doesn’t happen every night (thank God!), but this fear of sleeping (being in an unconscious state) does torment me frequently. It seems to me like I die every night when going to sleep, only to be revived in the morning, and have to repeat the process again the following night!
Anyways, thanks again for reading this, it has been very therapeutic and cathartic just expressing my thoughts and fears concerning death. Take care everyone. . . Zeke
I have spent most of my life being very open-minded about religion/spirituality etc and searching for answers - including detailed research of the beliefs of various religions and the history of their development etc, as well as trying out such things as spiritualist practices etc to get some ” practical” proof and I feel that there really is very little proof of an afterlife and that the fact we’d like there to be one is not a good enough reason to assume there is. The Spiritualists, for one, have had 150 years or so to give us some proof and have come up with more or less nothing apart from meetings where some medium aks if “anyone can take a massage about an anniversary in June” or “I feel i have a man who had a bit of a problem with his chest” or “liked gardening” or something equally vague. What survives? No one has proved a soul exists, or where the “other side” might be located. - also there are so many theories about afterlifes, the only real thing in common being denying death as a finality: in Buddhism, for example (despite what people with a superficial knowledge of it think) there is no actual “soul” in the sense of a personality/consciousness that survives you, although in some vague way your death is meant to spark off another rebirth. Alternatively in early Christianity the major focus was on Jesus coming back to earth and literally resurrecting everyone in new, immortal, solid bodies, not a focus on ” going to Heaven”. In later Christianity the focus in more on Heaven (mainly because Jesus failed to come back, soon, as his followers expected) but equally, through most of history the churches taught Hell was a more likely destination (or at best, a few centuries or so in Purgatory - much the same but not eternal - still the case in Roman Catholicism). Do animals (bugs? amoebas?) have a soul? Why not? If we can have a great time in a spiritual body in a spiritual realm, why do we need such complicated , and imperfect, mechanisms to live lives here? and so on. once in a while someone gets excited about e.g. near death experiences, but then the excitement seems to die down when no hard and fast proof of the experience happening during brain death etc comes forth. Ditto with experiments to prove someone has floated out of their body in a literal way. It’s convenient to say ” well God wants us to have faith, so doesn;t let us have proof”, but i never got why blinf faith is such a wonderful virtue anyway. having reached a point of being pretty much atheist in my logical thoughts, even though emotionally I would like to believe in “something” … like so many others… I feel there is nothing more rational than fearing death and not existing anymore, my loved ones not existing anymore etc etc. I think it also partly depends how you feel about life - i’m not that satisfied with mine in many ways and it upsets me to think I probably won;t get another chance. I have also made some bad decisions by being too naively “spiritual” and trusting, instead of thinking of what I really want in life and pioritising fun and happiness in this only life I definitely know I’ll have. Though maybe if you love your life you feel just as bad about it having to come to and end.. dunno. Anyway being thanatophobic seems sensible enough to me, though maybe it’s not good if you think about it constantly. I guess most people just don;t like to think about it/admit it. I think it would be better if we were brought up agnostic/humanist and not told, eg when a loved relative dies “they are in Heaven” which no-one knows is true, so we live in a little fog of self-delusion until we start to read and questione etc. Also if we were told to make sure you follow what you really want in life because there’s no proof any higher power is looking after you, not to always listen to others, or be humble or self-effacing, or feel negative about things everyone wants (but relgions often tell you are bad) like money, love, sex, admiration etc, or trust in God to make everything be alright in the end as long as you’re nice etc.
The bit about Spiritualism was meant to say “message”, not “massage”… though a massage would probably be more use. Even (very common) New Age-ey ideas about life are — I fear — mostly wishful thinking as much as trad religions.like the very widespread idea that all suffering is just to “teach us lessons” and make us “grow spiritually”. OK , you can learn sometimes learn something from suffering I suppose (about how the world works, or about what to avoid in future, what your strengths and weaknesses are, or perhaps - unless it just makes you bitter and angry and jealous - about being kinder and more aware of other’s sufferings) but does that mean it’s good to suffer? no way. Avoid it like the plague and try to have fun - “eat , drink and be merry for tomorrow we die”(Ecclesiastes)
I don’t mean to sound like I’m just saying you should be selfish all the time and not care about others, either. You should be selfish AND care about others too. If this is the only life we have it’s all the more important to be kind, loving and forgiving so as not to spoil other people’s one life either. The same with all petty conventions or prejudices, or thoughtlessness that make some people’s lives more joyless than they should be. If you can’t rely on a higher power to make sure everything’s alright (or as good as it can be), either in this life or another one, it’s down to us.
I think eventually we’ll learn how to stop ourselves dying, but it will be only for the billionaires at first. And then there’ll be the problem of overpopulation, or maybe you’ll have to choose between living for ever and having a child.. but even then you won’t be able to rule out eventually dying in some freak accident that completely mangles your body beyong repair - although maybe you’ll get a couple of thousand years first if you’re lucky..
I am glad to hear that I am not the only one that suffers from this. I will probably have to take a xanax before I get through with this post, it doesn’t make my phobia any better but dulls my senses so that I can try not to focus on death. Like a lot of people said, mine seems to come on mostly at night and even more so when I am the only one awake. I will sit and think “someday I won’t be here anymore”
Strange things like tv shows and such can trigger it. I was watching antique roadshow today and they were showing old jewelry and I thought about the person that had owned them being dead and gone, and got a little dizzy. It’s hard to talk to someone about it that doesn’t have the fear, because they just don’t get it and I envy them for that. I even think ok, I’m 30 so if I live to be 90 I’ve already lived a quarter of my life. Like most people think forward from when they are born, I think backward from when I am going to die. Hard to explain but it SUCKS! I haven’t tried a therapist because really, what can they do about it? Talking about it doesn’t really help it, even though I really wish it did.
But feel safe in the knowledge that you are NOT alone.
I thought about death a lot in my late teens, early 20’s. I would lie awake in bed at night and my heart would pound and my mind race as I tried to wrap my head around the fact that I was going to die. Every minute of every day I felt like I had 30 seconds to live. And suddenly, somewhere along the line, it went away. I’m in my mid-30s now, and a major concern of mine is not when I will die, but how. Drowning is one of the worst deaths I can imagine and I think about it a lot. Followed closely by burning, and being crushed. I only hope that when I die, it’s peacefully in my sleep. I can imagine that after I’m dead, I won’t care anymore, but the moment of death is what scares me the most now.
Your thoughts really resonate with me April, maybe because we are the same age. Seemingly benign things can trigger a panic attack, e.g., seeing a dead fly on the window. Sigh! why does it gotta be as such! Also, like you April I’ve discovered that it is immensely difficult to speak to people who don’t suffer from an acute fear of their own death. I just stare at such people completely dumbfounded and in a state of utter disbelief. it makes me want to get away from them as quickly as humanly possible! I just cannot cope being around such people that exist in such blissful ignorance and unawareness, because I soon become overwhelmed with envy. I become obsessed with the thought “IF I COULD PLUG BACK INTO THE MATRIX” and go back to a time in my life when I wasn’t aware of my own eventual death. AAHHH, what sweet tranquility and serenity such times were comprised of! Think back to your childhood, nothing but never ending joy and wonder with every new experience. Almost makes me begin to cry just thinking about those forever gone times of innocence.
Interestingly, I have some highly intelligent friends who don’t give even a passing consideration of their own eventual death. It is simply amazing and astonishing to behold. I suspect high intelligence is a NECESSARY CONDITION for a fear of death to eventually come about in an individual, but high intelligence does not seem to be a SUFFICIENT CONDITION to bring on a fear of death in someone (check out those philosophical terns in a philosophical dictionary!) Furthermore, therapists are totally useless, because they cannot provide an answer to what lies beyond the grave, nor can they impart eternal life, the 2 things we thanatophobes desire most throughout this fleeting life.
J - I relate to your fear as well. I not only worry about not existing some day, but I worry incessantly about HOW my death will transpire. I hope I have a heads up of 2-3 years - that way I can reflect and read and pray with a concentration that is not attainable UNLESS your threatened by imminent death!
Man, life can truly be like a nightmare from which you cannot awake because you are awake already! Ok, that’s enough morose reflections for one post - live life people, because you just might not live to see the following day . . .Zeke
Oh Zeke, something you said made me think of another thing. People that commit suicide I cannot even comprehend!! I know it has to be their state of mind and they can’t change how they feel any more than we can change our phobia. But anyway when someone commits suicide I always wonder why??? when life is so seemingly short anyway!
Also, my 14 year old brother was killed in a car/bicycle accident in 2004 and my anxiety has gotten understandably worse. I think it just makes me think of my own mortality more, seeing that he is gone and is not coming back and he was so young.
Zeke - as I understand it, you mean all thanataphobes are intelligent, but not all intelligent people are thanatphobes?
Sorry about your brother April, that is very sad. Now I am not at all sure there is an afterlife I feel much sadder hearing about such things than I did when I was almost sure there was. If you are convinced we are all immortal (and that there’s no eternal Hell, as I never thought there was), then death isn’t really such a big deal. . Perhaps if so many people were not religious , or at least did not claim an impossible certainty about the existance of God and Heaven etc (or reincarnation) then there would be fewer wars etc because leaders would realise the full responsibility of allowing young people to die. I am reminded of an alleged incident during the Middle Ages in France when a catholic soldier was leading an attack on heretics in one French town and he is supposed to have said “kill everyone, God will recognise his own”. Or, in a less extreme way, of the highly religious nature of most military commemorations, designed to make it all seem somehow OK. We can;t just say “it’s part of God’s plan” or “they are in Heaven” becasue we don;t know that to be true. It is just very sad when people, especially young ones, die.
As for suicide, I am sure some deluded people think they might be going somewhere better - even if, e.g’. in Christainity, suicide is a very serious sin, and you might not have much nice to look forward to if you think about it logically. Often though, I guess they have just reached a point where their life seems so miserable they just want it to stop.It is sad our society is often not able to offer them enough love and support to get through that stage, especially that many people feel unable to share their sufferings and despair with other people and get a caring reponse. Again, it is especially sad that many young people take their own lives, often for reasons that were very important to them at the time but which might not have seemed as important in later life, in retrospect (the end of a relationship/ school bullying etc).