For most of my adult life. I experience an intense existential angst that goes right down into the pit of my stomach and deep into my bones. I have never been able to shake it, and it shadows all experiences in my waking life, even happy moments. But I have come to an awakening that, I will never know what happens at death with total certainty. So I can either cry about it, or laugh about it, both reactions are equal. So I might as well laugh about it. People never seem to think about this, but to me it seems to be obvious, we should all care about where we are going. People are so blissfully ignorant, like people on a train that have no idea where the train is going. But to liberate yourself from Ego and treat everyone with love and respect, because worldly possessions are irrelevant compared to treating each other with love and belonging. Love yourself and Love Everyone! Nothing Matters!! Friends wonder about me, they ask why I’m so different. Well, I never tell them about my thanatophobia because I see it as a meme, an idea that can infect others and ruin their lives. But my ego feels like it has been stream-rollered for decades by the idea of ceasing to exist!

I began suffering from this condition when the twin towers fell. I watched the whole thing happen, everything that was broadcast on television. So working out the duration, its been approximately 11 years, off and on. After the first time, I believe I went into a deep depression also, i became unemployed and had far too much time on my hands, to let the media and the weight of the world get on top of me.

It went away after a while, I started working again, kept myself busy. Over the years I would have very short attacks, but not able to shake it. Currently, I’m days away (if not hours) from having our 2nd child, will also no doubt be another cesaerean (excuse any incorrect spelling).

I think the imminent arrival f our 2nd child, me not working due to the pregnancy and baby plus all the hormones rushing around my body are combining again to basically make me feel so anxious I can’t stand it.

The only thing that seems to stop the thoughts are distraction. With housework, kids, family, anything really. But there are times – mainly night time – when I can’t stop it. Like most people posting here my issue isn’t with the act of dying, its the fact that I’m not going to be here anymore. I think that another reason I get attacks, is because being a skeptic, there is no hard evidence of an afterlife. Ps – if anyone has hard evidence – drop me a line lol.

So I guess I’m trying to deal with it every day, I guess successfully but it does go away when I distract myself. I just wish it would go away forever.

Thanks for the blog, its been great being reassured that others suffer the same ailment that I do. I can be reached on Twitter – @YesEclectic.

Thanks again.

thanks.

That is a bit ironic but more scary.

Dear family of man I didn’t know – i’m sorry.

When I went away to university it became constant – I sought treatment in anti-anxiety drugs (citalopram) which reduce the frequency of attacks. That is one piece of advice I have for people: medication can stop the physical symptoms of anxiety.

A course of cognitive behavioural therapy also helped me sleep with the light and the radio off, and to pass graveyards and such without freaking out. Methods such as gradual acclimatisaion helped me turn off my triggers, leaving only occasional sporadic worry. Deep breathing helps reduce physical symptoms.

My therapist was helpful at removing some of my fallacies – while few like the idea of dying, it is not normal to be as scared as we are. It is also detrimental to living the most enjoyable/best life you can to be scared all the time.

This was a useful insight, because i think part of me was kind of clinging to this fear.. because the fear is me. It’s part of my personality to love life so and fear death, and i was worried about becoming someone else. But my fear of death was attacking my love of life.

I have never succeeded at giving myself religion but I keep trying.

And I’m here tonight because I just had ‘the fear’ again, triggered by concerns over geting a pet and dealing with its death, and then fear of my mum’s death. But nothing scares me as much as my own, still.

I came here to say I just saw this episode of an old TV series called the “Twilight Zone” called “Nothing in the Dark” I think this might help some of you if you watch it. Its around 25 minutes long:

http://www.123video.nl/playvideos.asp?MovieID=837779

Also I send my condolences to Jacks family. This blog really helped me to understand and overcome what I was feeling.