Poet laureate Carol Ann Duffy has written a Christmas poem, specially commissioned by the Radio Times for its festive edition. [...] The poem begins: “On the first day of Christmas, a buzzard on a branch. In Afghanistan, no partridge, pear tree; but my true love sent to me a card from home.BBC News

My heart sank when I read this. I may be drawing an incorrect conclusion from the very small amount of information presented, but I don’t really want to see yet another Christmas song revisited in the name of right-on lefty moralising. And I say that as a right-on lefty moraliser. It’s just that I’m a right-on lefty moraliser who happens to think Christmas is about having some fun and while taking the piss is perfectly acceptable, it’s not the time of year when I want someone to try and deliver me a serious socio-political message. It’s the time of year for pissing about and having a bit of a laugh.

But it did get me thinking… well, if we’re mucking on with the 12 days of Christmas, could I come up with a more accurate version of what you’re actually likely to get for Christmas? And here’s my first alternative version. It’s always possible I might change the theme again and have a bit more fun with it later. You have been warned

On the first day of Christmas, my family brought to me
… a jumper with a ribbed v

On the second day of Christmas, my family brought to me
…two argyle socks and a jumper with a ribbed v

On the third day of Christmas, my family brought to me
…three fountain pens, two argyle socks and a jumper with a ribbed v

On the fourth day of Christmas, my family brought to me
…four chocolate turds, three fountain pens, two argyle socks, and a jumper with a ribbed v

On the fifth day of Christmas, my family brought to me
…five pound coins, four chocolate turds, three fountain pens, two argyle socks and a jumper with a ribbed v

On the sixth day of Christmas, my family brought to me
…six games for playing, five pound coins, four chocolate turds, three fountain pens, two argyle socks, and a jumper with a ribbed v

On the seventh day of Christmas, my family brought to me
…seven rolls of wrapping, six games for playing, five pound coins, four chocolate turds, three fountain pens, two argyle socks and a jumper with a ribbed v

On the eighth day of Christmas, my family brought to me
…eight cans for drinking, seven rolls of wrapping, six games for playing, five pound coins, four chocolate turds, three fountain pens, two argyle socks and a jumper with a ribbed v

On the ninth day of Christmas, my family brought to me
Nine Jamie’s Kitchens, eight cans for drinking, seven rolls of wrapping, six games for playing, five pound coins, four chocolate turds, three fountain pens, two argyle socks and a jumper with a ribbed v

On the tenth day of Christmas, my family brought to me
Ten bath salts steeping, nine Jamie’s Kitchens, eight cans for drinking, seven rolls of wrapping, six games for playing, five pound coins, four chocolate turds, three fountain pens, two argyle socks and a jumper with a ribbed v

On the eleventh day of Christmas, my family brought to me
Eleven hankies wiping, ten bath salts steeping, nine Jamie’s Kitchens, eight cans for drinking, seven rolls of wrapping, six games for playing, five pound coins, four chocolate turds, three fountain pens, two argyle socks and a jumper with a ribbed v

On the twelfth day of Christmas, my family brought to me
Twelve in-laws fighting, eleven hankies wiping, ten bath salts steeping, nine Jamie’s Kitchens, eight cans for drinking, seven rolls of wrapping, six games for playing, five pound coins, four chocolate turds, three fountain pens, two argyle socks and a jumper with a ribbed v.

…fortunately, my family aren’t actually that bad, so in the interests of hoping to be a good enough boy to get some nice pressies from Santa, I’d better point that out…