2008 Spam

What better way to start the year, after taking a well earned break of a week or so, than by clearing out the deluge of spam that has flooded my “this looks like spam to me” comment tray. I didn’t plough through them all — I have neither the time nor the inclination — but I’ve been through around 250 of them, in order to give you a taster of what’s “hot” in the world of spam at the moment.

A word of warning though: quite a few of the snippets are from (I presume) pornographic sites. There may be some robust language and explicit sexual language. I’ll stop now before I start sounding even more like the BBFC

She’d never known pleasure until Ryan spirited her away to the seclusion of a motel and fucked her like she’d never been fucked before.KeendaHah

Ah, now you see that started out quite romantic. Ryan spiriting away, sweeping her off her feet: like a knight on a white charger, a modern-day Prince Charming. And then you rather spoilt the atmos a bit with the “fucked her like she’d never been fucked before” bit.

Rather reminds me of a joke — this guy sees a beautiful woman and says to her “I want to fuck you so badly!”. She looks him up and down and says “You know I think you’re right. You would do it badly.”

Go on reading if you are willing to get to know how you can love for whole night without falling!!!

Without falling? Hmm. Maybe there’s something wrong with my sexual technique, but I’ve never been particularly worried about falling before. Am I supposed to be precariously balanced on something?

And then of course there’s the celebrity stuff:

Paris Hilton Shoe SizeWhosiuptutt

No idea. Sorry. But as I hate to disappoint my readers, I’ll look it up for you. Right, well apparently she takes a shoe size 11 (US) or 36 (EU). No idea what that corresponds to in British shoe sizes though.

Nice comment. I hope you will like my blog..Best Folding Chair

Don’t know. Didn’t look at it. Frankly, Mr. Folding Chair, it didn’t really sound terribly interesting. I got the impression it would just be a teensy bit obsessed with folding chairs. Which aren’t really my thang

Very hairy nylon womanBlootoFag

Sorry? Do you mean a very hairy woman wearing nylon, or a very hairy woman made out of nylon? In either case I think those folding chairs are sounding more and more interesting by the minute…

How Can I Contact Britney Spears?DewCoowendy

Um… I don’t know. It may surprise you to know, but I don’t actually have her number. Britney, if you are a regular reader of my site, and you’d like to get in touch with … DewCoowendy … then give me your number and I’ll pass it on.

In fact, I’m quite happy to get in touch with any celebrities who are regular readers of my site. Particularly if they are Angelina Jolie, who would make it to any “lust list” of mine if I was so ill-mannered and uncouth as to do such a thing. Tish and pish! What kind of married man would publish a lust list? Surely only an International Lothario (retired).

Anyway, where was I?

The Author, you - genius…Toiveve

Well of course I know that. It’s the rest of the world you need to be telling…

Hello, people. I’m at University now and I do not get my parents’ money any longer.Good Credit

Don’t you? You’re a student and yet you’re not clamped onto your parents like a limpet leeching what little spare cash they have? What kind of a student are you, man?

Supporting of Loyal Bank we have founded our investing company succeeding in the market today. The prime investing field specialists are in our team. Wide experience and high skill of the brokers helped us to work in stability on the investing markets. Working with individual investors we have gained huge results. It helped us to work today with major companies that are increasing their income together with us.

  • Easy — 3% after 2 days
  • Usual — 12% after 1 week
  • Standard — 50% after 1 month
  • Hard — 165% after 3 months


Yes, well to be honest, I’m not entirely sure I’d want to invest my money with an investment company whose grasp of maths is as flimsy as yours. You see, the best rates you are actually offering are with the “easy” and “usual” rates.

Initial Investment Return Rate Days for rate Return after 1 year
£100 3% 2 £22,018.79
£100 12% 7 £36,844.13
£100 50% 30 £13,881.73
£100 165% 90 £5,205.92

Aside from the fact that the annual percentage returns on investment you’re offering are simply so ludicrous that I cannot for a moment (even aside from the fact that I hear about it in a comment marked as “spam”) consider it represents a legitimate investment company — the very fact that the “hard” stocks show a considerably poorer return than the “easy” and “usual” stocks rather suggests to me that you’ve just made the numbers up.

Hi there …My nick is Chelsea28…..wanna see me?RoseChelsea

Hmm. Well as your email contains the word “escort” either you’re a car or you’re looking for company on an ahem professional basis. In either case, I’m not interested. But you’re welcome to show me some pictures if you want to try and convince me…

Britney Spears Phone NumberDewCoowendy

Why you little tinker! You had it all the time, didn’t you? You were just teasing me…!

Free asian porn picture
Fucked anal teen
Recipe for broccoli soup
Free movie sex amateurtumimmene

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.. same old… broccoli soup? That’s not a euphemism for something, is it? If not, I’d suggest that maybe you want to reconsider your site’s business model as I’d guess that the majority of the visitors who are interested in “fucked anal teen” aren’t looking for soup recipes. And probably vice versa.

Maybe even consider having two separate sites? You know, one for porn, one for recipes?

Dracula mask
Frankenstein mask
Harvey Lee Oswald MaskDominic

A Harvey Lee Oswald mask? Well, firstly, I’m suspecting you mean Lee Harvey Oswald, as in the bloke what shot JFK (yes, yes, I know, but let’s not do the whole conspiracy thing here, okay?). Secondly, as Halloween masks go, I don’t think it’s going to be that scary. I’ve got no idea what he looked like. Hell, I’ve only vaguely got an idea what Kennedy looked like.

I’d stick with the Dracula / Frankenstein idea if I was you. I think they’ll be bigger sellers with kids than the other ones. I mean, at least Charles Manson or Mark Chapman looked a bit creepy to begin with…

2 galleries of a nice lady playing with her soft toy
Teen and experienced lesbian wonk their crotches with a fake cock

The soft toy thing makes me think that this is either a really friendly site where some lady is sitting amongst the soft toys she’s had since she was a child… or it isn’t.

The “wonk their crotches with a fake cock” would lead me more towards the second interpretation. Although I’m not entirely sure what the word “wonk” means in this context. I’ve never heard it before. And I own the world’s largest swearing dictionary.

Hmm. According to wikipedia:

Wonk (colloquial American English) was originally a 1960s slang word applied to an excessively studious person (equivalent to … “nerd”)Wikipedia - “wonk (slang term)”

So, let’s see, these teen and experienced lesbian excessively studious person their crotches with a fake cock? Doesn’t really help, I’m afraid…

continued to exert pressure and managed to get half of my cock inside mpeg of free hilton paris porn. I was amused

You were amused? I was bloody amazed. How, precisely, have you managed to jam your penis inside a computer file?

Tell me, have I exactly 90-60-90?PamLFemaleQ

I don’t know if that works better in the States y’all, but over here those sorts of measurements are normally in inches. Which would mean that you’re either extremely large, or you should have specified the measurement unit. And besides which, how am I supposed to tell — even assuming that your site has pictures of you? Either you’ve got a tape measure and you can work it out for yourself, or you haven’t got a tape measure and I won’t be able to help measure you.

Unless of course you’ve just been reading what I’d said on Bruce’s site about the pencil test and was wanting a free consultation…

3 Responses to “2008 Spam”

  1. Seb Crump responds:


    Recipe for broccoli soup

    I have heard the nickname Broccoli Spears - perhaps it’s related to the person desperately trying get hold of her phone number…?

  2. Steven Clark responds:

    My most memorable spam line of the year promised me “cartoon sex”… now how I would participate in that I don’t know.

    Mainly though I got daily affirmation of complaints about women who are unhappy with my size, methodology or other medicinally cured deficiencies.

    Laughed out loud at your post. Great fun.

  3. Mike Cherim responds:

    Hehe, always good to break up the day, Jack. That broccoli soup, though, boy isn’t that out of place.

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