A Spam Smörgåsbord

I’ve been deluged by spam recently. Very little of it has got through, thanks to my spam filtering. In fact, my filters have stopped one hundred and eighty-seven spam comments from making their way onto the site in the last week alone. Taking a look through the contents of the spam, excluding the links of course, can be very interesting. This may not be suitable for those of a prudish nature, but I have avoided picking out the most obscene comments…

Do you want to come with me to see what we find? For those of you with your own sites, this will be nothing new of course, but to those of you without, it could be very educational…

You’re still here? Right, well excluding the armloads of dubious porn, and equally dubious online pharmacies, we’ve had:

I love this site!Casino Anonymous

Cheers, Cassy, glad you like it. Wish, wish I could reciprocate, but sadly …

Next, Alfred has a question:

I liked this site, it’s neat. Good job! Would you please also visit my site?Alfred

No Alfred, I won’t. Sorry mate.

Bad newsGrace

Yeah Grace, it is, isn’t it. It’s bad news that you’re about the eighth comment to try and get in a link to the same site. You ain’t getting in, okay?

Cool site!!! Very good webmaster.qwertyaz

Well, I’ve always thought so. Glad you agree.

It is an interesting reading about background checks. [site name deleted] is a background check site. It has one of the most comprehensive databases on the web today.It is one of the easiest to use and has the most up to date information.Ravi Babu

No, Ravi, it isn’t. It’s not half as interesting as your name. Ravi Babu. I like that. Where’s it from?

Cool site!!! Very good webmaster.qwertyaz

Well, I’ve always thought so. Glad you — say, does this sound kinda familiar to anyone?

Hello. Swingers contact. Phone in USA. G’night.gojiklsoaz

Um… okaaay. To the point, at least.

just walk together and be sexually violated, in north eastern romania.Top Bisexual Sitex

I’m really, really hoping you’re not from the Romanian tourist board… I’ve heard it’s actually quite a nice place to go, but frankly I think as a “come to Romania” advert you’ve not quite got it spot on.

Great looking site so far!! I’m just starting to look around it but I love the title page! Would you please also visit my site?Sharon

Well, I’m pleased to see you’re not the sort of person who makes snap decisions, Sharon. You’ve gone as far as looking at the title page before deciding my site is great. Well I tell you what — rather than actually look at the site, I’ll just read the URL you sent me instead. Is that fair?


Been drinking, have we?

I am happy to show you my body, and i am proud of it! Here are some links with my body!Louisa

Links? Pshaw! Just send me the pictures…

Seymour thinks there may be something appealing about Jeff’s “unknowingly destructive” behaviour. “He’s like Wile E.Coyote, and it’s hard to hate Wile E.Coyote.” No matter how many anvils seem to fall on Jeff’s head or how many of his harebrained plots blow up in his face, “the person most hurt by Jeff’s schemes is Jeff,” Seymour says.resanwasa

Riiiight. Not entirely sure of the relevance to the post Steve’s Bloggers Bloggy Meme, or why you thought I’d be interested in eight paragraphs about Seymour and Jeff, topped off with a whole pile of links relating to used cars, but thank you most kindly for your interest. Don’t call us, we’ll call you.

I am happy to show you my body, and i am proud of it! Here are some links with my body!Eveline

Wow. I like so don’t know what I’ve done to have all these women wanting to show me their bodies. I’m like, honoured, man. Uh? This is kinda weird, but did you’ve provided exactly the same links as Louisa? What a coincidence!

Fortunately, some of them even want to come to visit:

Wow! You guys are way cool. I’d love to visit someday too. Keep up the great work!Billooj

Look Bill — you don’t mind if I call you that, do you? — someone who comments on my post about how “It’s Time To Kill Off Transitional DOCTYPES” (a web design thing, okay?) and is so overcome that they want to visit with me probably isn’t the sort of person I’d want to go for a pint with. No offence.

P.S.[to this site’s admin]: If you think this post is spam — delete it please. Have a nice day!Jeff Swan

Well, no quarter asked, and no quarter given.

And then here’s one of the more unusual porn visitors:

free hot sex video Ancient Romedreambloin

Sorry? Ancient Rome? Am I missing something here? I mean people with their clothes off by all means, that’s perfectly understandable, but Ancient Rome? I’d be expecting Frankie Howerd to appear in a toga and start saying “Titter ye not!”. Which would probably only make things worse.

I liked your site.Billjjm

Liked? Liked? What’s with this past tense thing Bill?

Hello, i’m Mary. I’m professional designer and here are my latest works (comments appreciated): [followed by a list of links relating to diet pills etc]Mary

Well Mary, I’ve only looked at one of your sites, but I don’t honestly think I can say that you’re a professional. Firstly, your site is just a header with someone else’s bulletin board code tacked onto it — the colours don’t even match — and your site doesn’t validate. I’d almost wonder whether you were some kind of dirty rotten spammer, rather than someone genuinely wanting comments, if it wasn’t for … hang on … no, that’s it. I do think the spammer option is probably the most likely.

I wonder , were to find boyfriend to my sister? Joke:)Jesse

I wonder, were to find a pint of Marston’s Pedigree to my drinking. No Joke:)

YAWN, GET A LIFE !!!Anonymous

As this one didn’t come with a link, I’m putting it down more as a critic than as spam. Still, it wasn’t particularly constructive — they didn’t tell me where to look for one to start with — and as they weren’t prepared to say who they were, or really contribute anything relevant to that particular post I didn’t see why I should bother with it.

Hi man! Your site is cool! Visit my sites, please:Glass

I wasn’t going to, of course, but in this particular circumstance my task would have been made virtually impossible even if I had wanted to, as the commenter didn’t provide a “home URL” and nor did they actually supply any links. Not only spam but crap spam.

Cool site!!! Very good webmaster.onlydrugs

Yeah, I think we already knew that, but I just thought it was a nice sentiment to end on…

5 Responses to “A Spam SmörgÃ¥sbord”

  1. Joe Dolson responds:

    Actually, I’m jealous, Jack…my spam filters have stopped 91 spam comments since midnight last night…20 hours ago.

    I could only wish to have the kind of spam you’ve got…

    Here’s a recent:

    You site the best!! Sorry… it is my… Valium [link to valium site]


    Gosh, thanks, Val!

  2. Steve responds:

    I get the oddest spam in my Gmail inbox. Today:

    “Forcd thee unwilling to the fatal fight I could not bear the bees should come. The doctors report said her husband the way that we were going and a fog begins to grow”

    followed by a link to astonishing watches, “The fonts on the face are all accurate and strikingly sharp”.

    Hmmm… if I was in that state of mind I’m not sure if I’d be able to tell the time.

  3. Mike Cherim responds:

    According to my Bad Behavior stats (as of right now) it has blocked 2636 posting attempts on my blog in the past 7 days. I do get a couple in Moderation now and then. I don’t have Akismet activated. Saving it for a rainy day if I find it’s needed. The one’s I’ve been seeing in moderation all read the same way (or variants of this):

    My mind is in a fog lately and I don’t care. That’s how it is.

    That is followed by a few links to pharmaceutical sites.

  4. Beast-Blog.com - My Responses to Spam — Literally responds:

    [...] to do is post some of those comments here followed by my responses, similar to Jack Pickard’s Spam Smörgåsbord. I have to warn you, though, some of their “names” are about really whacked stuff. Any [...]

  5. How About a Little Spam-Busting? - Beast-Blog.com responds:

    [...] The Pickards: A Spam Smörgåsbord [...]

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