April Spam

I’m trying to make sure I don’t raid my spam filters more than once a month, partly because 99% of the spam is dull, uninteresting and simply a list of links. However, when viewing with a carefully trained eye, you can pick out a few bits that are entertaining.

And it seems I’m not the only one who does this. There’s a site out there called Spam Stories which takes the ridiculous story-text mangled together by some spammers and tries to turn it into short pieces of fiction which actually make sense. A difficult task, but certainly one that they seem to be having fun with!

As usual, the disclaimer: these spams (and my responses to them) may contain language that some may find offensive. If you don’t like that sort of thing, don’t read it…

whats everyone up to?
Well i just completed up my short report on anti aging wrinkle cream!
im going to post here and can you guys tell me what you think?Spammer ‘S’

Dunno about you other guys (particularly since I thought I was the only person who posted here), but it looks like spam to me.

That is, I think the message is spam. I don’t think you’ve actually discovered an anti-wrinkle cream made out of processed pig meat. Apart from the fact that certain people would have religious objections to using it, I can’t imagine anyone wanting to smear spam over themselves, even if it does reduce wrinkles.

She was there was a bad, after we really.Spammer ‘H’

She … was … there … a … bad? Um… okay. [Nods, smiles and moves quietly away]

Im new here so just wanted to introduce myself.
My name is John and im from California.
My hobbies are riding my vespa [link], playing with my sex toys [link] and smoking a hookah [link], and surfing adult dating sites [link].
anyways.. im sure youve had enough of me!Spammer ‘F’.

Well, Mr F — can I just ask why you use a name beginning with F and then introduce yourself as John, by the way? — I’m a Brit, and I don’t know what it’s like over there in California, but normally in the UK when introducing oneself to someone we’ve not previously met, we don’t mention our sexual quirks.

Otherwise bar conversations would be a lot weirder than they already are:

“Hi! I’m Mark, and I get my jollies by dressing up as Batman, and getting my wife to hit me in the knackers with a cricket bat”The ‘what if’ conversation

So that’s just a tip for you, if you want to introduce yourself to any more UK folks. That sort of thing might well be normal in California, but it’s a tad unusual here. But I’ve got to say you hit the nail on the head with your last comment, though.

Real Estate Large BoobiesSpammer ‘J’

Interesting selling technique. Normally, I would imagine people would look for real estate that’s in an area they want to live, or is in their price bracket or something. Is it the real estate agents themselves with the … er … “large boobies”, or is this something connected with the properties you are selling?

Or is it just that you’re trying to sell real estate on Grand Teton, and you’ve just translated unnecessarily?

I brastfed when it was considered peculiar to do so. I learned that it was good for ME as well as for my children— that breast feeding actually helps the mother get back in shape sooner and preserves the shape of the breasts better, for that matter, …Spammer ‘H’

Hmm. Well this may have been appropriate on my post “stop demonising mothers”, or one of the other ones that deals with parenting, but I don’t think it has an awful lot to do with web accessibility I’m afraid, so it’s being treated using new SpamFlush 2008™.

Ebay Make Money Ebay Make Money Ebay Make Money Ebay Make Money
PS Sorry if this is in the wrong category, thought it was best to put it in anyway.Spammer ‘Ha’.

That’s okay, I think I’ve found just the category for it. See SpamFlush 2008™, as previously mentioned.

Just in case you’ve been worrying about having bald children:

Click here for trichotillomania treatment!
Trichotillomania is another common cause of hair loss in children.Spammer ‘C’

Three things. Firstly, you shouldn’t use ‘click here’. It’s aggravating because it implies that people who have otherwise managed to find their way to this post don’t understand how hyperlinks work. Secondly, it means that if you take links out of context, they can become meaningless. Thirdly, you didn’t even attempt to make that a link, you moron.

Oh, and what do you mean another common cause of hair loss? No-one was talking about hair loss or impulse control disorders, for that matter…

Then we have a spammer who seems a bit lost with modern technology:

Hi please suggest how can I convert my favorite TV programs
Then view them at my time of convenience.Spammer ‘T’

Well, ‘T’, I’m not sure what precisely you mean by convert. Normally people want to convert something into something else and about the only time the word ‘convert’ tends to be used on its own is in the ‘belief’ sort of a way. Which I presume isn’t what you’re meaning. I’m going to assume that what you want to do is record your favourite TV shows and then watch them again later.

Amazingly, the technology has been available to do this for quite some time. The “video cassette recorder” has been around since Betamax and VHS were launched in the mid-70s. Now of course, many people have got some sort of hard-drive type thing connected directly to their cable or satellite to automatically record the shows it thinks they are likely to want to watch. So there are many options out there. If you’re on a budget, though, you might want to start with a VCR. You ought to be able to find some second hand ones quite cheap…

And I’ll leave you with some good news: that my site gets on with other people…

Your site has very much liked meSpammer ‘Ta’

My site liked you? Did it? Well that’s nice. I hope you liked it back…

4 Responses to “April Spam”

  1. Seb Crump responds:

    Talking of Betamax, one of the April fools I spotted yesterday was a Betamax to HD-DVD converter.

    PS How did you manage to post you entry on ‘Thursday 3rd April’ so I can see it on the 2nd?

  2. Susie responds:

    I always look forward to your spam analysis posts. This one certainly didn’t disappoint!

  3. JackP responds:

    I’m putting this down to either some kind of glitch in WP 2.5 (as this happened on an earlier post, and I had to re-edit it to get it to post at the right time): whether it’s a glitch in the whole WP or whether I’ve confused it because I’m trying to ask it to play in ‘British Summer Time’, I’m not quite sure…

  4. Mike Cherim responds:

    Good stuff, Jack.

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