Akismet, bless its little cotton socks, has now drowned over 20,000 spam comments to this blog in a bucket and then flushed them down the lavatory of the internet.

Meanwhile, I’ve reached over 1,100 genuine comments at an average of just under three per post, but that’s a rather meaningless statistic since some posts have more than 50 comments (one has 136 comments and usually picks up one or two more per week), and plenty have none. So it’s up to my genuine readers (especially the ‘lurkers’ who don’t generally comment) to post more comments to see if I can reduce my spam to genuine comment ratio which currently stands at about 18:1.

If you’re a regular reader but you don’t post very often – or at all – remember that I do want to hear your opinions as well.

Anyway, enough of that: here’s the best of the spam from the last six weeks or so: as usual I’ve removed the links, but feel free to assume each post also came with 10 or more links, usually relating to online pharmaceuticals, pornography, or in some cases Halloween masks.

On your site I found hello yet interesting photos, a password is only pitiful which does not work you threw down. Whip off me the contacts of these girls on soap pleaseUnmathmeete

Listen buddy, if I had “hello yet interesting” photos, or contact details of “girls on soap”, what makes you think I’d want to share them? Besides which, from the links you supplied, I think you’ve already found enough “interesting” photos anyway…

I want to stop Google indexing my pages in my blog. Here’s list of links recommended by bloggers.oliviakam

Two tips, then olivia. Firstly, a tip from Google themselves, who tell you specifically what to include in your robots.txt file:

User-agent: Googlebot
Disallow: /Google Webmaster Help Center

Secondly, you might want to consider not posting comments on other peoples sites which contain a link to your site.

hi people

Has seen on the Internet a good site [link]. Personally to me has liked. All that is necessary for soul and in one place. Convenient search. And who will not look this site, that will be unhappy in current of all year [more links]Hunterbtr

New, improved spam, with added threats. Sorry mate, I don’t forward chain letters either.

NEW Ben Laden video. English version.SodyVoRydunny

Just one problem there Sody: the hyperlink associated with the video you describe contains ‘/movies/teen/’ in the string. Now ‘movies’, fair enough: you’ve already said it’s a video. But teen? Sounds a bit like a porn site to me, mate. Unless of course Ben Laden is Bin Laden’s younger, teenage brother or something…

Good resources here. Cheers. BTW would you please also visit my site? BEST HALLOWEEN MASKJames

Well James — or perhaps I should call you ‘Sandra’, since that was in the email address you used — I’m sorry but I have no intention of visiting your site. I don’t want a halloween mask, for a start.

Hi all! This is bug? [links to pharmaceuticals sites]. thnx.JosefArtman

No, it’s not a bug, it’s spam.

…is a natural herbal formula for penis enhancement that works to increase penis to up to 3 inches long…Barry

Sorry? I’m not convinced that’s such a selling point, you know. That’s somewhat below average. A product that will make them three inches longer would possibly sell better than the one you’re offering.

After all, while I haven’t made a study of penises, it’s reasonable to assume that I’m an average male, and therefore that the average male penis is thirteen inches long. And that the average male is a liar.

Fundamentally, a crash mat provides a layer of protection between the toilet user!Kentjg

Sorry? A crash mat that provides a layer of protection between the toilet user and what else? Also, I don’t know if I just have a moderate and restrained ‘toilet action’, but I’ve never felt that going to the toilet to be an unsafe activity without a crash mat. Perhaps you just need to try a different lavatory?

I just got my own USB rocket launcherJacobroder

You got your own USB rocket launcher? What, a rocket launcher that attaches to a USB device? Are you out of your mind?

…well, apparently not, because ignoring the initial link and instead taking a look on YouTube enables me to find this:

But most of us grown-ups don’t work in an office where we do that sort of thing. We don’t even flick inky pellets at one another any more…

Then there was one I’ve termed as spam, but I wasn’t entirely sure because it was on a post where I mentioned Sherlock Holmes, it didn’t contain any links, and it appeared to be about the TV detective Columbo, of whom I had suggested in comparison to Holmes that he might as well ‘shove his raincoat up his arse’. Which might not be the best thing to say to a Columbo fan.

So it’s probably not spam per se, but it’s still completely incomprehensible:

With that incrimination,not only that Columbo wanted him to give that shit in the house,but he was sure he will do it,and the boss was sure he will get rid of Columbo by that,instead he incriminated himself by that!!! MadHolman

Well, he did say he was mad.

And that just leaves us with a final one:

I’ve found a site with the searching system! The site has domain nameweryocv

I believe there are several more sites with ‘searching systems’ too. They are known as “search engines”, they all have their own domain names, and the most famous one is probably Google.