It could only happen to HIM.

There’s this gentleman I know who stuff keeps happening to. To be brutally honest, he generally brings it on himself. If you recall the story I told a couple of weeks back about the bloke who sent (what appeared to be) a nude picture of himself to his boss’s mobile entirely by accident, that’s him.

This is the guy I know who got married — briefly — and the night before the wedding they had the Dog Of Ill-Omen visit them, still went ahead with the wedding and were divorced about a year later.

Dog Of Ill Omen? You mean I haven’t told you the story before? Oh, hang on then, I’ll side-track and tell you this one before I get on with the latest escapades.

The Dog Of Ill-Omen

Picture the scene. Imagine you’re the groom. You’re getting married the following morning, you’re staying over in a country hotel that’s pet-friendly because the bride-to-be has a dog, and you’re sitting around in the bar with your soon to be in-laws the night before the wedding, including the bride. I’m presuming nobody told him this was meant to be bad luck.

Anyway, you run out of money, so you nip out with your almost brother-in-law to the hole in the wall to go and get some more cash for drinks at the bar. When you arrive back, you notice that the mood has suddenly gone cold and very sombre.

You immediately start thinking about who is there, wondering if there’s anyone there who has been telling stories about you that you’d rather your future in-laws didn’t know, when somebody explains. Apparently, while you were out getting some more money, one of the hotel receptionists had came over to ask if any member of the party was in room such-and-such and had a terrier.

The bride to be had obviously nodded, and asked why.

And here’s the best bit (although obviously not for the dog) — the receptionist had come over to ask because someone in the room below your bride’s had phoned reception to say he’d seen a dog going past his window. I mean, I’ve been in touch with the hotel reception before because the bed wasn’t comfortable, or because the air conditioning didn’t work, but I’ve never had to contact reception to complain about it literally raining cats and dogs before…

So the dog had fallen three floors or something, but had landed in some bushes so it hadn’t been killed, although it had been injured, and you have to spend the rest of the night before your wedding chasing around trying to find an emergency vet. That’s what I mean by the Dog Of Ill-Omen.

I mean, if the dog is so desperate to tell the couple not to go ahead with the wedding that it is prepared to hurl itself out of the window in order to try and put off the wedding, you really ought to listen to it!

Oh, and apparently the dog made a full recovery, although the marriage didn’t.

Latest Escapades

Anyway, just after the divorce had been finalised, I remember this chap telling me that he’d been dating a solicitor, or something like that. Nothing seemed to come of it, and I more or less forgot about it. Time passed (over a year, I’d guess).

And then, just yesterday, I noticed a news article about a Tyneside woman jailed for fleecing thousands of pounds from her partners. Given this chap’s previous dating history (because believe me, there are more stories about his past I don’t intend to relate here), I pointed him in the direction of the news article, and said “it’s a shame you never got the chance to meet her, she sounds like your ideal woman”. Ho ho, chortle chortle.

And then, given that it was a local interest story, the local paper The Evening Chronicle covered the story the next day, under the headline Secrets and Lies, and I’m a kind and considerate person who would never dream of taking a joke too far, and I obviously wouldn’t torment my mates, I left my copy of the Evening Chronicle on his desk, open at the appropriate pages for him to read. Ho ho, chortle chortle. I’m such a card, aren’t I?

Except as it turns out, he thinks that he may indeed already have dated her, except that when he knew her, she had said that she was a solicitor and a partner in a law firm. Apparently he’d got a little suspicious as he’d dropped her off at her house once which had apparently been a poky little flat and not something he’d have expected the partner of a law firm to live in. And because the relationship was in it’s very early stages, and because he was just coming through a difficult divorce at the time, just decided it would probably be easiest simply not to meet her again.

So that was that. Interestingly enough, he wasn’t the only person to notice the house:

“I traced [her] home address and realised the house was not a house someone on a six figure salary would possibly live in,” he said.Newcastle Evening Chronicle

Again, I’m not surprised that these sort of things happen to him — he’s like some kind of a magnet for this sort of nonsense — but I’m surprised that there are actually people out there with less common sense than him, as he didn’t actually part with any cash or credit cards, unlike various other people who crossed her path:

The court heard her 18-month crime spree included more than 80 offences and was worth £254,000.BBC News

And then, being the well meaning and lovable chap that he is, he even gave me permission to write it up for my blog, presumably on the basis that for once there’s an entertaining story where he doesn’t come out of it looking like an idiot, and also on the basis that those people who know him know what he’s like anyway and for the rest of you that don’t know him, it doesn’t really matter does it?

And there, but for the grace of God, could have been any of us. Assuming, that is, that we had some sort of in-built “weird shit happens” magnet built into us like he seems to have…

One Response to “It could only happen to HIM.”

  1. graham responds:

    did the same dog have anything to do with the chameleon-type properties of his latest footwear acquisitions?

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