Male Toilet Reactions

Sunday, January 25, 2009 10:10 | Filed in Life, Oddities

Apologies to those of you with delicate sensibilities who don’t like swearing and references to genitalia. I’d suggest you’d stop reading now.

There are two elements to ‘male toilet reactions’. Firstly, it’s the considered: what do you do in particular circumstances? Secondly, it’s the instinctive quick reactions necessary when… well, we’ll get to that.

Firstly, we have what is sometimes referred to as “urinal etiquette”, but as a Geordie I would like to suggest that the term nettyquette would serve better. Now, for those readers who are women, you may well be wondering what’s going on here. If you need to use the public toillets, you just find six friends, all go in together and then (I believe) each locate your own cubicle and go from there.

For men, it’s different. Firstly, we don’t generally all feel the need to go to the toilet at the same time, which is probably some sort of evolutionary adaptation caused by the risk of what might happen to your pints if no-one is left to look after them. Secondly, and more importantly in this case, is that in male toilets, you usually either get a row of urinals or simply a big trough to piss in. In either case, there is nothing in the way of ‘privacy’: you go in and wee in front of everybody else.

This has led to a series of behavioural traits which occur when you go to the toilets. For example, if there are four urinals, three of which are empty, and the one on the far left is being used, you’d not go in and stand right next to the current occupant, would you? No, it would look a bit odd. You’d generally stand at the other side, or at the very least attempt to have a one urinal ‘space’ between you and your fellow pissees.

Of course this does not apply in times of crowding: you’d look just as odd waiting to have a pee if there was at least one urinal space available. Unless of course you’ve got pee shyness, and are unable to urinate in the presence of others. In which case, toilets in pubs and at football stadiums probably aren’t the best place for you, as you will look incredibly suspicious loitering there for hours.

Indeed, you can test how well you are able to properly exhibit nettyquette, with the Drink Nation Urinal Test.

The other part of ‘male toilet reactions’ is a story I came across some time ago and winced at, but didn’t really have any opportunity to talk about before now. This part is subtitled…

When Pissing On The Floor Is Appropriate

As men, we are familiar with the idea that when we go to a toilet in someone’s home, we should lift up the toilet seat before urinating. This is generally because anyone later sitting on the toilet — frequently of the female persuasion — tends to object to sitting in a puddle of cold urine which, I have to admit, seems a perfectly reasonable thing to object to.

So we lift up the toilet seat.

However, this brings up the potential issue, particularly where the seat is not perfectly steady, of what I am about to describe as the Toilet Cock Chop Challenge™. Should you be in the situation where the seat begins to fall mid-flow, you obviously need to ensure that said toilet seat does not land on a certain part of your anatomy, as it may hurt. The standard flimsy plastic toilet seat can cause sufficient hurt, but the increasing frequency of heavy wooden toilet seats is causing more injuries…

Doctors at one English hospital reported four cases in which a toddler’s penis had been injured by a falling toilet seat. The fashion for heavy wooden and ceramic seats is worsening the problem, they say. Figures suggest there may be up to 250 similar cases a year in the UK. BBC News

250 people a year are suffering injuries to their penises (penii?) per year in the UK through not getting out of the way of a falling toilet seat quickly enough. And these are presumably only the ones injured so badly they feel the need to go to hospital…

I don’t know if any of my readers have small boys who use the toilet, but — and while I wouldn’t use these exact words — I would suggest to my children in the event of said incident that it makes more sense to jump out of the way, even if this means pissing on the floor, than having what was descibed as a “penis crush injury”. Floors can be cleaned; so far as I am aware the NHS does not yet issue replacement penii…

Yes, if you have a spare hand, you can use this to block the falling toilet seat. However, and this is a crucial point, I would advise moving yourself out of the ‘line of fire’ anyway, just in case you fail to catch it.

A slightly alarming thing about this BBC article is that it is illustrated with a picture of a toddler crying. The question “how many times did they have to slam the toilet seat on the child’s penis before the photographer was happy with the result?” springs to mind. Alternatively, there is the possibility of it being a stock photo of a child crying, but why the BBC would feel the need to illustrate the article as such — because I would presume we would all imagine what the likely reaction would be without the need for a picture.

You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

17 Comments to Male Toilet Reactions

  1. mark fairlamb says:

    January 26th, 2009 at 10:13 am

    how come if men are so useless and can’t put a toilet seat down, when women are so much more capable they have to complain about having to put it down themselves?
    if it’s not such a difficult thing to do then why does it get up their noses so much?
    i am of course playing devil’s advocate as i always put it down anyway (because it’s not hard).

  2. JackP says:

    January 26th, 2009 at 10:36 am

    Yes, reminds me of that old line, some bloke saying “you just can’t win! They complain if you leave the toilet seat up, they complain if you leave it down and piss all over it…!”

  3. Jack's Mam says:

    January 26th, 2009 at 9:28 pm

    I have a female colleague who always leaves the seat up, apparently she always leaves the seat up ready for her husband. Will someone please tell her he doesn’t work with us!

  4. garment news daily says:

    September 9th, 2011 at 8:49 pm

    Online Article……

    [...]The information mentioned in the article are some of the best available [...]……

  5. test says:

    September 20th, 2011 at 1:21 am

    What’s Mandatory When Choosing Women…

    It’s a known truth that right knowledge can be very important when we are doing something new and even more it if is important to us….

  6. plastic surgery internet marketing says:

    November 4th, 2011 at 2:04 am

    What Are Best Plastic surgery Marketing Tips…

    [...]To have the right knowledge you can achieve at many more jobs and making no bad decisions..[...]…

  7. Sunset Cove says:

    December 12th, 2011 at 9:27 pm

    Best Info On Sunset Cove Koh Phangan…

    [...]Are you unquestionably certain that is the right facts. I head something else. I’ve just had a further concept pop into my mind[...]…

  8. philadelphia event planners says:

    December 22nd, 2011 at 12:43 pm

    philadelphia event planners…

    [...]We are a group of volunteers and opening a brand new scheme in our community. Your web site provided us with valuable info to work on. You’ve done a formidable process and our entire community will be thankful to you.[...]…

  9. lunette tag heuer says:

    December 23rd, 2011 at 4:08 pm

    Lunettes Tag Heuer…

    [...]This is truly cool. I will check your web page inside the long term.[...]…

  10. says:

    December 27th, 2011 at 6:21 pm

    Find More Advice From Expert Affilaites…

    [...]Awesome information that I’ve been in search of for some time! You can find out more about this topic[...]…

  11. challenge coins says:

    January 2nd, 2012 at 7:02 pm

    Get Challenge Coins Online…

    [...]Awesome data that I’ve been looking for for some time! Certainly not forget there are other options[...]…

  12. cheap fragrances says:

    February 4th, 2012 at 4:48 am

    Perfumes For Women…

    …When you are aware when working at your projects you can be a lot more successful than if you don’t have much skills…..

  13. Political Articles says:

    March 2nd, 2012 at 2:16 pm

    Political Articles…

    [...]Great points altogether, you just received a new reader. What would you suggest in regards to your submit that you simply made a few days in the past? Any certain?[...]…

  14. spring shoes says:

    April 11th, 2012 at 10:11 pm

    Shoes Are The Most Important Part Of Your Outfit…

    [...]I see you recognize lots about what that you are writing about. Interesting study. I got some fascinating strategies from this[...]…

  15. dallas tx pools says:

    April 15th, 2012 at 2:45 pm

    Pool Service In Dallas…

    [...]I believe it’s incredibly crucial that a lot more persons know about this. Keep up using the excellent writing.[...]…

  16. Kadir says:

    September 2nd, 2012 at 11:01 pm

    I like the perspective with the roof of the plane. Likely seoithmng you wouldn’t be able to get in a typical sketching setting. I’ve tried doodling people on planes too. I also like the more finished feel. I am sending mom to your show for me since I won’t be able to make it.

  17. Richard says:

    September 5th, 2012 at 5:57 am

    I like this article, you know I was reaidng some other similar items out there from some people who really don’t understand what they are talking about. Have you ever noticed how many people think they are an expert on a subject when they aren’t? I sure hope you continue to write. Hey what is your rss URL so I can be up to date with you?

Leave a comment