Here’s the theory: get an artificial christmas tree. It won’t drop needles all over the floor, it doesn’t create waste as you don’t have to chop down trees every five minutes, over the course of a few years it works out considerably cheaper, and of course you don’t need a bucket of soil and all the ensuing insects all over your floor. In short, it’s much less hassle.

That’s the theory. Actually, there’s a number of these points that I can’t disagree with. The tree cost seventy quid, and is currently serving it’s fifth Christmas, so price-wise I think it’s worked out well. You don’t have soil and insects all over the floor. It’s not really generated much in the way of waste so far.

But as for less hassle…

Okay, here’s the procedure:

1. 5th December: Send wife into loft to locate boxes of Christmas decorations and bits of tree
2. Wife passes various bits down through loft hatch
3. Sorting procedure begins to sort tree bits from ornament bits and card-holder bits and tinselly bits
4. Finally, tree sorted; it consists of about forty six different bits
5. Assemble base unit and tree ‘trunks’ (four pieces in total)
6. Sort out artificial branches according to size and letter code (for those where this is still visible)
7. Start putting branches onto correct height slots around Christmas tree
8. Get covered in scratches from trying to squeeze round back of tree against wall in order to put branches on around this side
9. Finish loading the forty two branches on
10. Discover tree is now slightly lopsided
11. Mess on with base of tree to adjust position of ‘trunk’
12. Finally decide I’ve got it vertical
13. Locate wife, inform her of tree status
14. Adjust tree to make it vertical to wife’s satisfaction
15. Open out artificial branches and spread mini branches to create ample ‘leaf’ cover
16. Finish spreading out branches. Inform wife tree is ready for decorations, if such are sorted
17. Wife explains patiently that branches need to be spread out, and spends time spreading out branches
18. Wife asks if I’d like to place decorations on tree
19. Decline politely, suggesting that they might not be placed altogether satisfactorily if I do it
20. Wife places decorations on bottom 2/3 of tree, asks me to finish, while she does something else
21. Finish loading decorations on top 1/3 of tree
22. Wife advises that I’ve not loaded on decorations properly and proceeds to make appropriate corrections
23. Tree finished
24. Hoover small bits of artificial ‘needle’ off floor
25. Re-bag remaining decorations, replace all boxes and bags back in loft
26. 7th December: Hoover small bits of artificial ‘needle’ off floor
27. 9th December: Pick up ornaments which have been knocked off tree by cats or children and replace
28. 10th December: Hoover small bits of artificial ‘needle’ off floor
29. 12th December: Hoover small bits of artificial ‘needle’ off floor
30. 14th December: Pick up ornaments which have been knocked off tree by cats or children and replace
31. 16th December: Hoover small bits of artificial ‘needle’ off floor
32. 19th December: Hoover small bits of artificial ‘needle’ off floor
33. 20th December: Pick up ornaments which have been knocked off tree by cats or children and replace
34. 21st December: Realise base of tree is not properly fixed and needs to be screwed in properly before it falls over
35. 22nd December: Hoover small bits of artificial ‘needle’ off floor
36. 23rd December: Hoover small bits of artificial ‘needle’ off floor
37. 24th December: Pick up ornaments which have been knocked off tree by cats or children and replace
38. 25th December: Hurrah! It’s Christmas. Start contemplating earliest possible opportunity to take tree down and reclaim living room
39. 27th December: Hoover small bits of artificial ‘needle’ off floor
40. 30th December: Hoover small bits of artificial ‘needle’ off floor
41. 30th December: Hoover small bits of artificial ‘needle’ off floor
42. 2nd January: take down Christmas tree
43. Tape various branch ‘groupings’ together to make them easier to sort next year
44. Get bags or boxes down from loft
45. Sort decorations by type and place into appropriate bags or boxes
46. Replace boxes and bags in loft
47. Hoover small bits of artificial ‘needle’ off floor
48. 4th January: find further decorations behind/under sofa
49. Return to loft to replace remaining decorations
50. 17th January: Hoover small bits of artificial ‘needle’ off floor
51. 22nd March: Notice that infrequently considered picture frame still has piece of tinsel draped across it
52. 9th April: Hoover small bits of artificial ‘needle’ off floor
53. 16th August: Hoover small bits of artificial ‘needle’ off floor

I wonder if it’s possible to get a poster of a Christmas tree that I can just stick on the wall for thirty days or so, and then roll up and stick it in the cupboard again.

Right. Rant over. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll have to go: I think I hear Marley’s ghost rattling at the door…